i wake up
you sit on my chest
like a load of bricks
you say to me
no one will love you
no one cares
i get up out of bed
what is this in my head
i put myself in the bathtub
i let the water run
over my body
silence
you're a liar
silence
out of my mind
i struggle
like a child
head being pushed under water
like when i was a child
and the kids picked on me
pushed my head under
but they didn't understand
i liked not breathing
i liked listening
to my heart stopping
it took me closer to heaven
further from here
where i seem to feel too much
some days i wake up
like this morning
i sit there and i write
some pointless things
in my diary
about how i wish i wasn't feeling
this way
but how i am going to
fight it till i can see
like when i was a kid
pushing their arms off me
so i could resurface for air
as i came above the surface
i would breathe
and now i sit
here in the city
far away from the pools
in the middle of the woods
and i go under the water
find silence
i drowned out the voice
that tells me
to stay under the bed
that life is worthless
that i am unlovable
i go under water and i count
ommommmommmommmommm
out of my mind
i stop and i pray
give me peace today
then i step out i look at my face
wander to the kitchen naked
and make a cup of tea
i watch the steam touch the top of the cup
i look at my chipped nails
i look out the window
the sun hits my face
the sun gives me peace
life is like a million strings
all wrapping around me
dancing inside of me
pulling at me
memories of lovers
of friends
that to me is life
those moments when love
sparks and starts fires
i sit in my isolation
realization
i go to my machine
and i find some energy
i put on a song
music always makes my sadness go away
music always makes my mind be silent
music always lets me be free
from the monsters in my head
music is my savior
from the things no one else seems to
understand
and i sit
and i stare
out the window
sometimes i want to
fly into the sound
leave the ground
and all the things
that hold me down