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what is love
love is the greatest gift
love is the most powerful force on the earth
love is all that matters
love suffers long/ and is kind======it does not seek its own---------it does not parade
iteself-----it isnt ego----it dosent want evil or bad things---it runs from such-----
love bears all things
believes all things
hopes all things
endures all things
love yanks the heart your soul and brings it out love is what makes people do things like
write the moonlight sonata
love is what can handel things even when they done makes sense
sometimes love is hard because it involoves feeling your heart come out of your chest
when you love someone and you hrt them
or you love someone and you see them hurting themselves
it is like feeling someone deep inside taking there hand and twisting your heart
love is energy it is fuel it is inspiration
love doesnt give up
i learned that along time ago, my whole life i wanted someone to love me enough not to
give up if things wernt perfect
i am not perfect i make lots of mistakes i do the wrong thing i am always catching myself
---but love sees past the imperfections
past the flaws
past the mistakes and continues regardless
love that is agape
unconditional
that is love
unconditional love is worth more then any amount of fame, money, sex,
class...unconditional love is the love that loves you no matter what happens, no matter if
your on top of the world or on the floor broken alone empty with nothing.....or strung
out...or broke...or sick..poor....or upset....or angry....or confused...
unconditional love just waits the tough times through always seeing past the seen
unconditional love is what is true
what is real
what will survive this world and will continue forever
it is a force nothing can compare to because it fights for truth, it fights to stay,, it
fights when it is there it fights when it is away. unconditional love dosent give up...no
matter how messed up things get.....
i looked for this kinda love my entire life------i tried to show people that kinda of
love----when i was a child my mother said i was a doormat---but it was because no matter
what happened i would usual still have a deep love for people-------even the people who
hurt me---which allowed me never to grow really bitter or angry---it allowed me to live
through things---because my heart didnt die, didnt harden---it would hurt for them
--because i knew that there was a reason--------why they did things---why they had so much
pain they felt the need to inflict it on others--
i learned though i couldent let people just take advantage of me though------so i had to
step back for awhile and learn how to love and at the same time protect myself----how to
not go out there and because i was always seeing past peoples flaws and sometimes to much
and then they would be ruled by there mind not there soul, so when i was trying to love
them in a way that had nothing to do with sex or anything like that-----they would see
someone and assume it was or try to make it that---so i spent a long time trying to learn
how to not let people push me against walls-----i didnt want to hurt peoples feeling when
i was younger so i was a bit of a push over---i could take any amount of pain or so i
thought so i would often end up with people around me who i wanted to show some love to
and they were so trapped in there mind and couldent see past the logic of thought ------
people were attracted to me----cause they felt something----most never feeling anything
like it assumed it meant love, sex, and or to fill lust of the body and or mind----
i was always tormented because i wanted to try to tell them why but at the same time these
days saying you love people unconditionally freaks people out
why would you love me?
I dont know I just do..........
but it dosent make sense to most these days because that kind of love has been taken far
away and love now has become a word used more for control and power conquest and sex
then what it means at all
so then david began to help teach me, how to draw those boundries, how to be strong
enough, i remember when i really understood love
i was 17 completly drunk, completly wreaked in my little hole in the wall in atlanta----i
was alone strung out and just wanted someone to love me to hold me-----but then a twisted
thought entered my mind and i thought i wanted sex----david looked at me and said
--------jillian sex isnt going to work-------it wont feel the need-----that was the one
time i tried to cross the line------and it was out of loneliness and confusion and
fear------i wanted love not sex----so by him telling me the harsh truth----he set me
free----he really loved me----in fact my entire life only a hand ful of people have been
able to love me enough to tell me the truth--------
like when i was so terrifed of not having money------david taught me showed me money isnt
real----but i remember one day i was obsessing and he looked at me and said----Jillian
your obsessed with money, it controls you-------at that moment it did-----because to me it
was the only way i saw of being able to protect myself------
i remember hearing him say it---i remember feeling something like a knife going through my
insides----he was right but i didnt want to face it----but then he didnt need to say
anything more---he destroyed the lie within-----he helped me see the truth---he risked
pissing me off to tell me------he went out of his comfort zone---
love will always step out of its comfortzone if it is for the good of another----if
someone is lying to themselves love will step in and intterupt---love is not afraid to
risk anything to speak the truth------
like i remember cory in LA-----who i hurt once------i remember that i hurt him by being
selfish, by locking away from him, by pulling away from him. he was trying to help me and
i was unable to believe it and so i distenced myself and because of it i hurt
him--------but he called me out------he told me i was being selfish that he cared and i
couldent do that to him, that it was wrong---that i was wrong---that if i was afraid i
should tell him
because of that he gained my respect and my trust because anyone willing to call me out to
risk pissing me off isnt trying to use me because people who are only trying to use you
and dont really care
will speak words of flattery all day long and will not tell you the truth because the
truth will set you free if they want to control you they will fill your head with lies and
will stroke your ego and build you up on a mountin
but in relaity they are winding strings around you
so i knew those who really loved me where those who would leave the comfort zone and not
be afriad to tell me when i was wrong, when i was lost, when i was selfish, when i was
doing something wrong that harmed me or harmed others
because as i said we all mess up but if we are hurting ourselves or hurting others and
those who say they love us see it and dont do anything they are contributing
to the problem
so this week when brian called me out-----because once again i did it----as i did with
almost everyone who has ever loved me----i became distant----i became curled up in the
corner---i was giving my shadows too much attention----deep down inside maybe it was a
call for help ......because day after day i try to be strong-----but i am not strong----i
am weak and day after day is a battle for me-----sometimes it is too much for me and i
just want to be able to open up to someone to tell them what is going on inside----to
share my fears----dreams-----my vision------i can type here all day long
write music till i am blue in the face--------but the only thing that really helps me grow
spiritually-emotionally-----is when i can share these things with people in real
life----yet at the same time i am frightened because so many have mis understood and the
more i open up the more the love starts to come out------that is why for a long time david
would come and spend 4 months or so with me year after year--------becuase during those
four months all my walls would go away-----as the walls went away the dreams and visions
were fueled by love----by the source ----my soul would open and then energy could freely
flow----he would amplfie it------the energy would become twice as strong--it would feed us
both and we would grow together---we would take each other and pour all of our souls into
each other giving each other twice as much energy------making us strong ---then we would
go away and go back to work----and take the love and feed it down to all those
around-------and it continued to grow-------dawwn and i where and are the same way------it
is =only unconditional love that works like this because there are
no----strings---------------------no wrong motives--------
with many people i try to give them unconditional love
they try to add strings
i then have to tell them no------it has happened many times ----i love you but not like
that should be implanted on my wrist-----and it hurts sometimes because i have a nack for
being able to see below the surface-------and so when i see the motive is wrong -----and
they want to be near me for the wrong reason-----i have to treat them like a child---
many times this means i have to have a block of space
when i have to say somethings that are harsh
like the one day with a older friend
he kept coming to me and trying to tie strings he was hungry needy for love
i kept trying to show him that no one could fill the need
he kept trying
then one day i said
until you have peace with yourself
until you are content alone
until you are living life on the path
until you are real and honest with yourself
you wont find the love you want
and if you keep hitting on me or my friends trying to fill that hole
it is only going to grow
stop chasing women sex and empty love
and focus on being the person you want to be becuase right now you are unhappy with who
you are and until you change your life alone and let yourself be true
you will continue to be unhappy
a girl wont make you happy
i was afriad i said more but i was scared---he was much older then me---much more
educated-------many more lives--
but something happened
over the next 6 months he completly changed---------------he stopped clinging to me or
anything and started beliving in hope, in love, and his whole life changed----now i see
him and he shines---he is like a free bird----
the truth did that
love did that
i didnt do it
God just pushed the words out of my mouth
ANYWAYS
speaking of things being pushed out
I have to go write music
speaking of
my song dont give up has been between 4-6
for over a week on the IDM charts