she looked at me
she reached out to me
told me
it was my feelings
that would be
the force
to take me
over the walls
in front of me
i looked at her
i am afraid of those feelings
she said to me
why
because
they are huge
not little
i don’t have little feelings
i have huge feelings
big as the space between the sky and the ocean
she said they aren’t bad
but they some people don’t remember
huge feelings
like the feelings you had when you were a child
that joy you felt
that ripped through you
that pain you felt
that made you cry
when i feel from my heart
i become like a child
a child with huge eyes
that when it feels joy wants to
jump up and down
wants to run around
when i see pain
or anger
or hopelessness
i want to like a child
run over
and hug them
make it all
ok
------
but when i see people
hurt each other
kill each other
lie to each other
abuse each other
use each other
destroy each other it makes my heart
feel like exploding
it isn’t anger
it is pain because
i want them to see
there is a better way
so that feeling
is like a fire
it is spreads
all over me
makes me want to
do something
----------
when i was a child i wanted to do something
but then i tried
and i got eaten up alive----
i went out determined to pour out
my love
and hope it
would stop
the pain
---------
i poured it out
and out
and the pain stayed
people kept hurting each other
no matter how much i gave
it was never enough
----------------
so then
i hide all my feelings
i locked away all my love
i was afraid
because
it made me feel so much
and i felt so much pain
when
i lost control
because
i didn’t know
how to
use it safely
i would give it to anyone
and everyone
i loved them all
but to me
there were no good or bad people
some were just more lost then
others
------------
but i didn’t know there were those that
just
eat
little girls because
that is the only way
they can feel
because
there so empty
they only is to take
someone else’s
love away
--------
but they don’t love
they only use
till they grow tired
of you
throw you
away
----------
but you see
my love never allowed me to
throw people away
no matter
how messed up
it got
------------
if they went away
i would still send my love out
to them
if they
and i would wait
till one day
they came back around
----------
i loved so many
runaways that
slept on my couch
who had nowhere else to go
i loved them so much
because
no one else seemed to
because i knew
what it was like
so i would feed them
and i would give them
all my love
my energy
something always tried to
destroy that love----
sometimes it would be drugs
dragging them away
making them not see
the truth
sometimes it
was fear
sometimes
it was other people
i learned
sometimes
i had to let them go
i would watch
as the wolves would
drag them away
i would always say
you can always come back
the door is always open
my heart will always love you
-------------
people said i was a fool
told me i let them use me
people said i should only care about me
people said
watch out for yourself
it is a dog eat dog world
and i tried to live that way
i tried not to want to
give
those around me love
but it came out anyways
it couldn’t be stopped
each person i meet i would
try to reach in
reach out
give them a little hope
a little love
-----------
i used to say
will anyone love me
i got angry at one point
God
who will love me
I give and give
and no one cares
no one loves me
-----------
God said
I love you
I said I cant touch you
You cant hold me
he said
I can
I will
if you let me
stop pushing me away
I said but God why would you love me
look at me
I am so far from what they call
a Christian
a good girl
look at my life
I dragged out
all my mistakes
i showed him all
my sin
he said
wake up
none of it matters
i don’t care if you are good or bad
silly child
---------------------
what do you mean
then he brought up those i loved
you loved them
yes
even though they were runaways
junkies
castaways
of course because they were beautiful inside
that’s all that mattered to me
what was inside
its the heart
the soul
------------------
then he said
ok point proven
--------------------
so for years
i struggled with him
because i didn’t believe
i could be loved
--------------
then i got over it
i accepted it
fine
you win
he said good----now let me show you
you don’t need to take from this world
i will fill you
----------
my heart is broken
empty
drained
they sucked the life out of me
-------------
i can heal you
i can fix you
--------------
i cant be fixed
---------------
i can make you whole again
-----------
God look what your dealing with
look at my life
you can fix this mess
---------------
let go and i will show you---------
-------------
i looked around
i had nowhere else to go
i looked around
only shadows had open doors
i don’t see the way out
don’t look
just jump
----------------
i am afraid to jump
i am afraid
i mean God lets be real
this is a world
were faith seems
impossible
i mean how do i know your real
everyone says your not
he said
jump and i will show you
jump
you tell me to jump
jump and i will catch you
i looked over the building
behind me was everything i had believed
all the things the world told me
my teachers told me
the church told me
everyone told me
he was telling me
something different
but when i looked at what they did to me
when i looked at how empty
it left me
and when i looked
at the pain
the loss of my soul
how no matter
how much i tried
i always felt empty
no matter
how much money
or sex
or drugs
or fame
or power
i had
i was still
hungry
still looking
----------
but God how will i survive
i will i exist
how will i pay my rent
how will i live
he said you have to let go of everything
cling to nothing
and then
it will be
-------
it will be
its that simple
it will just be
God
come on
its 2003
and you are telling me
it will be
----------
but then
i was in a corner
behind me was all i tried
that never worked
i tried everything to replace God
i set out on my mission after the church made me sick
i thought God was a lie
religion was a lie
it was all a lie
i hated religion
i hated Christians
i hated systems
i still hate systems
most religions
are systems
those who lead the people astray
will pay one day
if they don’t wake up
-------------
so i went down
digging
in the dark
in the light
in everything
i spent five years
trying everything
i had everything
the world could give me
------------------
and yet
i was dying more everyday
being torn down
over and over
-------------
no truth
no love
i kept finding
lies
things that feel apart
people who said they would
do things
then they wouldn’t
i was let down
over and over
trusted over and over
put my faith in this world
only to find
it
letting me down---
---------------
So then I kept feeling something saying
this way
come back
but
I have to lose everything to come back
he said i will help you
help me i have nothing
no one will ever see past
all the things i did
and God
my whole life is on film
he said
so what is your point
------------
so then
one day
i was broken on the floor
crying
because i felt
something fighting within
it was the point
when a soul is on the verge
of being free
and i was there
on the verge
and all hell was trying to drag me back
but then
God moved through people around me
God used humans
who said his words
"Jump and there will be those to catch you"
I heard the words
from people
i said ok God
I get the point--------------------
So I jumped
--------------------------
I began to fall and then
angels caught me
day after day
everyday i doubted
my feelings
-------------
they started coming out
each day
all that was dead
started beating
all that was hurt
started to heal
i was painful
because everyday
the world told me it couldn’t be
the world told me not to feel
not to listen
not to be still
not to breathe
it said
buy me
be busy
come here
let me fill you
take me
eat me
I will fill you
I said no
I ate you
I bought you
I served you and you left me alone empty and alone
I haven’t given God a chance
I gave all of you a chance
I tried to live your way
And it almost killed me
So shut up
Go away
I am going to keep trying this -
So then things started to happen
Doors opened
People came into my life
For the first time in years
I felt real love
I found truth
They weren’t trying to use me
They weren’t trying to take
They came to me and said
We love you
Not in the way
Your used to
The love I began to see
Started to set me free
Because it allowed me to have
Hope in love
In humanity
Then I saw
It was because
The more love I allowed myself to give
The more it came to me
Not from here
But from above
Then I saw the truth
What was above
Feed me
I was scared
They will eat me is they see me
The one above said
You are mine
Nothing will harm you
If it does
It would be better for them to drowned in the ocean
That gave me peace
For I knew he would take care of it
So then it happened those who in the past
Hurt me
Became sleepless
Something went in tore things apart
I didn’t do it
Then when I saw a greater force watching after me
Cleaning up around me
Making the way for me
I began to open up
Ok but promise
You will keep me safe
I was afraid
She looked at me
Don’t be afraid
Of your feelings
Of your love
Of your strength
Of your gifts
Don’t be afraid
Some people will judge you
But so be it
She looked at me as I cried
On her couch
But my whole life is on film
Why did you fall
Because
I was hopeless
Because those who were supposed to be the ones who protected me
Destroyed me
I had no sense of safety
No sense of worth
Those who were supposed to be of God
Hurt me
So I felt if the church and if those who are supposed to be good
Would do this to me
There is no hope
So then when I was hopeless
I gave into the voices
That said there is no hope
No love
You are worthless
So you might as well
Just come play with us
So I went to the other side
Thinking maybe I would find some truth there
I found the truth
Because I put everything to the test
She looked at me
As I told her about all the things I had seen
About the children dying
About the girls crying
About the old men
Trying to find love
Only being used
I cried as I told her of how as I traveled
The world
As I moved through all these people
I understood
How and why
And it all comes down to hope
And love
That is it
Everything that is wrong
Can be fixed
By those two things
She looked at me
If you want to help them
You have to open up
And feel again
Those feelings are what
Will give you the strength
To do what you need to
They will move you
But I am afraid
Because those feelings
Are sometimes so much
I just want to fly
Off a building
Or cry under the bed
Or just be held and let it all out
She said
So you find those
Who will let you
Cry
Who wont judge your fear or doubt
You find those
Who understand
That you have to be broken
In order to be strong
You have to cry
In order to fight
But they are so hard to find
She said
Call me
So then day after day since December
I have been trying
To allow
That love
To come
Out
Then it happened
It just happened
Something inside of me
Came out
And it said
I am back
It was those feelings
That love
That intensity
That caused me
To never give up
And now it was there
Sitting in front of me
A huge amount of feelings
Of energy
So then
It all started to try
And will continue to find a way
To come out
It cant be locked away
Or it will kill me
So now for the first time
I know what to do
Direct the energy to creating
To giving
To loving
No fear
Its not bad
It is powerful
I most use it
To create
To give
To pour out
I have too much to keep for myself
Someone gave me a gift
Of freedom
Gave me my life back
Now the least I can do
Is give my life
To trying
To show that love
Cause no one showed me
And I don’t see it these days
-
and it is like that joy
that ripped through you as a child
when you were free
we all had it
or maybe not
but we can
the process is painful
but it is worth the cost