Zen Baby: Omega
http://www.eomega.org/
Below are the writings from my time at The Omega Institute, a place for spiritual studies which includes information on nutrition, massage, reki, channeling, acupuncture, Buddhism, Christianity and more. Omega has a range of classes and courses taught to help us learn everything from meditation to yoga, from gardening to caring for our body.
Omega is a very upper class place. The campus is beautiful, full of trees and grass.
At Omega you can go to take a course or you can just do a little R&R where you just use the grounds. You can take the yoga, tai chi, movement and meditation classes or you can eat and use the sauna and library. Omega has a cafe with high speed internet access as well as candy, cake, cookies tea and coffee. The Omega cafe serves meat as well as vegetarian dishes. The cafe is a good place to go if you want to read, write or just chill out. Omega has an excellent bookstore with more spiritual books, music, gifts, rocks and stones, clothing and spiritual nick knacks than anywhere I have been.. You can get lost in there and also spend more money than you make in a week. Omega also has an excellent sauna where you can bake and then run outside and see the stars. It is clothing optional facility and most of the people do run around naked. If you go, expect to see people of all ages from young adults to grandparents.
Omega has one of the best libraries I have ever seen. It has more books on spirituality and religion than anywhere else I know. I spent a whole day in there reading and listening to the CDs. Bring your laptop to take notes. They have a large amount of books on CD which I found very helpful. The library has sections dedicated to every religion, and everything you could think of from holistic medicine, dreams, creativity, and beyond.
Omega's food is vegetarian and vegan oriented. They have all the teas and drinks you could imagine as well as a huge buffet of veggies, grains and other healthy food.
Omega offers lots of doors into lots of places. Some I would venture into and some I wouldn't but it's a beautiful campus and there is a lot to be learned for those who are on a spiritual journey.
Omega has teachings that are considered by many to be white magic and/or dark, so in a spiritual sense, it can be a place that if you are not aware, you may pick up things you don't want to pick up. Taking that into consideration, I suggest you just keep your eyes open and pay attention.
Here are the writings I did while I was there in June 2004. The writings describe what happened to me internally. Enjoy!
Omega: Day One:
I woke up early. I feel so pampered. I cleaned up, got ready and went downstairs and got in the car waiting for me. I had a nightmare about going out and then all of a sudden I was a junkie and then, when I was trying to leave, the cops showed up and were trying to arrest me for something. Then I was in the dream and I knew I was dreaming so I called Rob, who is my lawyer/right hand man, and then the dream ended. My dreams always end as soon as I stop them. The dream wasn't as much as a nightmare as an alternate reality. It was like I was living out what could happen. I could become part of the New York nightlife and I could become a junkie and I could en d up arrested, but I won't because I know how to say the magic word - "NO!" Real simple. Moderation. The dream though also though felt like something was trying to scare me from being social. Forget it! I was created to be a part of this world and I can walk in it as long as I keep my head tied to my soul. How can you reach people if you live in fear?
In the car as I was passing over the cityscape, it hit me hard. I have been living in fear, but the fear was based on what had happened. The first time I got in the scene and became an IT girl, I was 17. I had no idea how to handle the pressure -- the peer pressure - of having rich, famous and beautiful people all around offering me anything I wanted from drugs to vacations to expensive islands. I didn't know how to say NO. I didn't know where they ended and I began. I didn't know how to tell if the thoughts that were in my head were mine or if I was picking up what a telepath was projecting. I didn't know how to be around negative energy and not let it get to me. I didn't know how to walk away. I wasn't secure. I didn't have community. I was a child with way too much power and no education on how to use my gifts and abilities. I was like a little girl with a magic wand and a loaded 45.
The dream wasn't real. It was all a fantasy. An alternate reality. But I learned from it and what I learned is that now I am not afraid. The reason I avoided that world for awhile was because I knew my weakness and I didn't want to ask for trouble. I am a magnet and it's no different in the nightlife and when you attract things, you have to know how to respond. I didn't know hot for awhile but now I feel that I do because I have been learning where I begin and end. I've also been learning about boundaries. I understand the freedom that I have now. Freedom like I have never had before and freedom which makes me skip and smile. I am like a child who just realized dreams are possible and reality is far from cloudy.
Soon I was at Grand Central. I walk through there I remember a dream I had of it blowing up, of seeing the beautiful place turn to ashes and dust. I had it before 9-11 and it's like a ghost that haunts me. But I enjoy the beauty of the place as I wander around and watch the people running. So rushed, so stressed. I remember being like them. Being so caught in this cycle that you lose touch with the moment. Watching the people trip past me, I wanted to sit right in the center and play music which stopped people and made them feel -- right in the middle of the station.
I went to one of the guards and I asked where Starbucks was. I wanted to have a cup of coffee which is a treat once a week. I have been drinking coffee just as a bit of a reminder of the days I lived on far too much of it. Slowly sipping my small cup of coffee, I got on the train. I finished my journal and then read something CS LEWIS wrote. He is really an amazing writer who I find very inspiring. Then I began working on my laptop -- pictures and emails. A woman came and sat beside me and then we talked about laptops and music and life before I continued to work on my emails until I arrived at the station.
There, I called Rob and we went over the day and a few other things that had to be discussed. Then, I was in the car with my friend and we talked about spiritual journeys and music, boys, love, growth and so on. The trees and the green folded into view. The sky bent down to touch the top of the trees. I miss green. I miss nature. I miss life outside of the city, but the city is where I need to be. I have always felt it was the place I needed to build a little base, to be what I am here and do what I am doing. But parts of me long for nature, for the solitude, for the peace. But for me to leave the city and return to nature would be for me to leave the calling, the place, and the work I have felt my entire life I have been lead to do. So these weekend escapes to nature are just for me to reconnect and remember why I am here.
Arriving at Omega, I noticed the people were mostly older, except for the staff. The staff all looked in strange ways like people I know. We took the Eurovan back and got set up. Then we had lunch. Over a salad and sushi, we talked about many things. He talks a lot. I suppose since I live alone and work alone that I have grown to love silence in a way most people fear. But I enjoy the conversation although there were times I would say, "Do you hear the birds?" I don't know when I stopped talking. Maybe because I write. I save my words for this often. I learn from him. I suppose nature to me is a sanctuary and so when I arrive in nature, I go into "monk-ess" mode. After we ate, we went to the sauna and there I fell into a pseudo-trance till I was feeling faint. Then I went into the cold shower and then back into the sauna till I felt faint again. Then, it was back to the shower.
Next we went outside to the screened-in porch. We sat in silence and I listened to the birds and watched the clouds and just melted into the wood and the smell of nature and the sound of nature. I was one with all of it, just listening to my heart as it tripped from place to place. Then we walked over to the sanctuary. Before entering, we both did a bit of yoga and stretching on the bridge over the pond. The ambiance was peaceful, Then, into the sanctuary we went -- to our own little corners.
Meditating, breathing, connecting, losing, slipping, finding, breathing, connecting deeper. Then it began. The visions that float in front and around but then are gone. Pictures, people, situations, art, ideas, dreams, places, spirits, words. Like a stream of things, I have never seen or maybe will see. Then nothing but breath and slipping in and out of a trance. Energy feels like warm water flowing in a circle. Motion all around me. Communication with God in silence. In silence. Listening, hearing, observing. Slipping deeper and deeper into a state of meditation and sometimes falling into a trance where I see things visually. A waking dream state. What I see is often inspirational, creative and wise. Most of it comes and goes so quickly. It is as though I am dipping into a pool of inspiration in that place and the water is all around me. I drink in what I can take in, but I could never take it all in. It is a limitless place. Some need drugs to reach this state. I go there very easily without drugs. It took time to learn how to get there, but now I know and now I go further.
As a child, it was instinctive, but as I grew up, I began to forget it. I realize for me it is a vital part of my art, my music and my work. What I gather in those states is something which most never see but can feel. It is translated. And once they feel it, many then seek it for themselves. I only wish to leave a drop in the hearts of those who are thirsty so they go looking for the water on their own. It is a place which no one can really lead you, but yourself. Many people are caught up trying to find the happiness in a physical or material form. This is a tragic life to live for you will never find what you are looking for. It will always let you down. People, love, work, dreams will let you down. Whatever you depend on, owns you. This is why when it comes to what I depend on, I don't need to be attached to anyone or anything. I just need to stop and listen, and seek, be still and connect to what is all there for me. Waiting, but I have to go to it. It wants me to love it, to seek it, to go to it. It has given me free will and I can ignore it and try to replace it, but I choose it over everything else for it never lets me down and it always fills me and it can't be destroyed. People die, cities fall, fame ends, love fades, but it won't.
Then, I felt my friend awake and looking at me. My connection with it was brought back to reality. I looked at my friend with a big smile on my face. "Dinner time," he said.
We walked to the place were we all ate. In the large room filled with people -- old hippies, shamans children, energy workers, yoga teachers, and just about every other spiritual type. There were also people who were like my mother and father. In the room there were large places full of foods and teas and all kinds of vegan/veggie treats. I had a large salad and ate while observing the people there seeking and searching. The people were hungry for healing, for love, for spirituality, for God, for power, for all kinds of things.
After dinner, we walked around. I listened to the birds and watched the sun set behind the lagoon. Watching the sun fade into the water, the water reflecting the sun, the colors like a painting, a beautiful painting, full of amazing detail and things I wish I would think of. There were geese all around and there were lots of baby geese too. The baby geese were protected by the mother and father geese. I wanted to pet them, but I got the vibe that they didn't want me touching them so I just observed and watched them interact. We walked around the grounds, listening to the sounds of drums and chanting, and we peeked in on all the workshops.
The monk we knew was here teaching and he invited us to come to his class. He was a very nice monk, like a grownup child. We decided that tomorrow we would sit and take some lessons from him.
The library here has the most books and CDs and tapes on religion and spirituality that I have ever seen. I decided that the next day, between yoga, meditation, eating, and hitting the sauna, that I would be in there taking notes, reading, and acquiring various copies of information and music which, to me, are all part of the trip I am on. The bookstore here I could stay in for days. I could just listen to the hundreds of CDs created to alter your state, bring you into trances, open you up and so on. I understand a lot of these things very intuitively and hearing things often only confirms what I do, which, in some ways, I wish didn't happen as often as it does because it's hard to learn something you know in ways already.
I have things that I believe in because of experience, but I don't believe in not continuing to understand things and trying to understand the other views and perspectives. I may not be Buddhist, but I learn from it. I may not agree with a lot of it, but some of it I believe is very useful. I don't believe in calling spirits to watch over me, but I understand why other people do. I am not a shaman, but I understand what shamans are and how they work and why. To me, the issue we have in many ways is that people get set in a sect of something and don't bother to understand why people believe what they do. I read somewhere that if you want to connect with people, you need to understand them and understand why they do certain things and believe what they do. Understanding and exploring doesn't mean you become it. Many people also say you can change, but I disagree with that as well. If you cannot change, how can you grow? It seems utterly impossible to me. Then again, I suppose I am a mystery to most because most find one thing and they stop exploring the others. What is sad is that I feel people may get stuck and never find the thing that would be best for them because they stop exploring. For me, the continuation of the trip is a confirmation of what I do, say, and believe in. I am like a scientist, always doing experiments. Between my life, my mind, my art, my soul, interacting.
For me, until you explore the various paths, how can you judge them? Many people say meditation is bad or church is bad, and they never try any of it. But, until you really try, how can you know? If you judge without trying something, you are saying that you know what you cannot possibly know. I do this sometimes and kick myself later. The more I learn, the less I know.
Now I am sitting in a cafe and it's time to go write a poem and then go to sleep. Till tomorrow
Omega: Day Two:
Today, I woke up at 8 am. The sound of birds filled my ears. I dreamed about my parents which was an interesting diversion from my usual dreams. I don't remember the details. I just remember being in my dream with them. I miss them, but Atlanta is so far away and it seems I am often too busy to find my way down there.
I wandered around a dirt road to the hall where they serve food. Inside I made a cup of tea and ate some dates and wrote in my super personal journal about the dream and life changes and the experience I had right before I went to sleep. I was flooded with memories from the last person I was in a relationship with and part of it is because this is the kind of place where there are so many things that remind me of him. From ginger tea to the way of meditation. I observed how I was feeling, and also realized that people come and go but they change us forever. Then I turned my thoughts back to the now, and in the now, it is a time for me not to be attached to anyone, in thought or in body. It's a time for me to be discovering myself and a time for me to grow into my own skin without distractions. It is a time I love and yet am not used to it. I always had someone around, either a girlfriend or a boyfriend or a friend -- a special friend.
Walking around the grounds, I thought it would be nice to share with someone, but then I thought of how often I need my solitude and space. In the hall, I watched people old and young interact and speak of their trips. Part of me wonders if eastern spirituality will become as commercialized as everything else. It already is in many ways but then again what form of spirituality isn't or hasn't ever had two sides -- the side that is commercial and the side that is real. People may find it because it's commercial and then find the real meat. Most people are on spiritual and religious milk. They nurse the bottle but won't chew the meat. They don't want to work; they want it fed to them for an exchange of money. "Here, get spiritual for $9.95 a month."
In all places you see both the truth and the distortion. In all things you know there is both destruction and creation, which is the oldest force according to one of my shamanic friends in the world. I never thought of it like that but he has a point.
I finished drinking my tea and eating my dates and wandered to the yoga hall which was empty. No people crowded and staring at each other to see who is better at a downward dog. In the silence and solitude I did the movements, pushed the limits, and connected..
Afterwards, I wandered all open and feeling fuzzy to the field where I laid down and I just felt the sun on my skin, the clouds floating above, and observed what came around. Feeling the warmth wrap all around me, sinking into the ground, melting into the sun, I laid there till I fell into a deep trance. Then I heard a noise and looked over and saw groups of people meditating and doing yoga. I stayed there for sometime just being before going back and getting my laptop and heading for the library where I read a book on Jesus and Buddha while importing CDs on physics, healing, the power of now, as well as something on the advancements in natural healing, the connection to physics, and CDs of music created to alter your state.
The book was very interesting for it made me realize many things like that the Buddhists do have a heaven and hell and a Godhead, that the teachings of Jesus and Buddha are so similar that it's eerie in many ways. The Buddhists do believe in things like going to hell or the land of howling ghost if you choose the path of defilement and destruction which is the Christian version of "if you don't have faith and believe in me, you go to hell." But both religions have a version of hell, which is something I find rather interesting considering that it seems the reason most the people I know turned away from the concept of Christianity was because of the thing about heaven and hell, or, as the book said, "Christians called Buddhists pagans and Buddhists said Christianity was full of myths." But, looking deeper into both forms, I found that they share things like a heaven and a hell and their teachings are so close that it's almost the same thing.
I feel many people turn eastern because they had a bad experience with some judgmental Christians or the Christian experience. They saw no love or compassion but only saw a judgmental attitude which they then attached themselves to. The concept was what Christ and Christianity were about when, in fact, that is the very opposite of everything Jesus taught. Most people never really give Jesus the time of day to really hear and listen to the teachings directly and not through someone claiming to know what there talking about. It's the same in the Buddhist world. Lots of people are drawn to it because it's becoming popular, but the problem is that most people are not getting deep enough into it to realize that the religions are so close that many of the reasons they are against Christianity and for Buddhism aren't valid because the teachings are just as heavy.
I want to understand why and where the two are the same and where they are different because seeing one without seeing the other limits the ability to know anything.
I have a feeling that in five years or so there will be lots of Buddhists and lots of Christians. In fact, I have a feeling they will be most likely the two most influential religions in the world. I also believe that there will be many in each who judge the other without knowing about the other religion and that is how problems start.
For years I have been reading both texts and now I am diving in deeper. Granted, I feel like in my free time I am becoming a monk, but I feel it is a vital part of the picture to understand the different paths and ways people seem to gravitate to in order to connect with God. Or, as the Buddhists say, the Godhead.
Now I have gotten all deep and stuff on you, but you have to remember that once you do all the drugs and the parties and all the crazy sex, you see that it all is a part of life. It is nothing more than a spec of dust on a very large never-ending vast space of external growth and information. Many people get hooked by greed, sex, drugs, ego, pride, fear, money, or power, and never see beyond it. They never realize their obsession is preventing them from seeing that what we see is just a fraction of what is.
I suppose that is why I explore and continue to explore and always will explore, for I do understand that all I know is nothing; all I learn is nothing; and as soon as I think I know anything, I am caught in a box. I may have millions of experiences which I can share -- my thoughts, my feelings, my observations - but, I do not know how many hairs are on all of your heads or how many millions of people dream or why the world is the way it is or why there are a million whys. No one can answer them all.
After the library, I went and got acupuncture. I had never done it before, so I decided to try it once. I went into the room and laid down and I told him about my eating and then I told him I was having gas. Ahhh, too much raw, cold food. I need to make sure I have my ginger and my wasabi and my pepper. Simple solution. I had slacked off of those things for a bit, so now it's time to break out the ginger tea again and not slouch in front of the computer.
I laid down and I watched as he stuck tiny needles in points all over my feet and legs and tummy, on my ears, and on top of my head. I felt little bursts of energy when the needles would go inside. I laid there and I fell into another trance. The energy was more intense than usual. Things started coming up and out. I just lay there and let it happen, feeling the movements of energy and just being. He came in and we worked on my back. More needles near my spine in my back and then he worked on my neck. Afterwards, I felt in ways kind of like I feel after energy work or a half a bump of coke -- a bit loopy.

Then my friend and I went to the cafe and had ginger tea and talked about life and music and vanity.
Now I am going to go to the sauna and alter my state again, and probably fall into another trance before going from the sauna to the stars till I fall asleep.
Till tomorrow.
Omega Day 3:
Last night we went to the sauna -- hot, cold, hot cold, altered states. What I find puzzling about my life now is that I used to have to work to achieve this state of peace, where I could just be and not be lost in fear or worry, doubt, or loneliness. For the last month I have noticed that it is the state, I feel very much in reality, very aware, very connected, and very much at peace with the reality. The only time it seems to be shot through and the peaceful blanket of this feeling of just being safe, connected, loved gets lost is when I make a choice to bring into my life something that I know isn't right in the moment. An example is when I decided to eat too little or too much. Food isn't bad unless you use it wrongly.
My awareness is keeping me from acting on situations. Another example, there was this beautiful girl who I found very attractive and I already felt a love and a sense of connection and bond with her. Then my mind for a moment opened a door and there on the other side of it was me and her doing lots of naughty things. I turned away and shut the door because to do that to her would not be loving her. It would be using her. But the awareness was the reason the door was shut and not acted on. Was the thought of it there? Was the temptation there? I saw it enter my mind, but then again I was sitting in a club. We had been together for the whole day. She is beautiful and very much a pleasure to be around. I was in a room full of people dancing and getting it on and I was sitting in the middle a party fueled by lust and motives which aren't exactly about loving or giving. It is a natural thought to have, influenced by the environment and its hard not to conform to your environment, even more so when they're powerful. The nightlife scene is just as powerful a spiritual environment as say doing yoga, but the nightlife scene isn't a place where people go to get healing and or get back on the path. Rather, it's where most of us go to forget life, to feel, to lose ourselves. There is nothing wrong with it, unless it becomes your way of dealing with reality or becomes a way to avoid facing the truth.
My mind has become like that. It's like sitting in the middle of a still pond. Thoughts are like seeing a rock flying toward my head. If I am aware and I see it, I can catch it, but if I am not aware and I don't see it and it overcomes me, then I will feel the consequences. But even if I am hit, the pain passes and I am still there in my pond of peace.
I hear many people talk of doing all these things here to achieve peace or enlightenment. I see them working so hard to reach this place and they are trying really hard, which, to me, is a very positive thing because even if they are searching for all the wrong reasons, at least they are searching for something. What I question is the motive behind things. I seek to know why people do something. Many people I observe are into much of these things to gain spiritual power, so that they are ahead of the pack, or so they can control things or people. That puzzles me because if the motive is to gain spiritual power, it is an ego-centered motive which is a direct contradiction to humility and to loving freely. To get or gain power is a trap in all spheres as far as I have observed because you will never get enough. I have observed many people get on this spiritual path and no matter how much spiritual power or gifts or growth or knowledge or experiences they get, they are never powerful enough. It reminds me of people trying to get wealthy or famous or any of those things. That puzzles me further because isn't the point of spirituality to die and be reborn? How can you die if you are striving to gain power? In the Buddhist text, it even says that if you have spiritual gifts don't expose them to use them and expose them are two different things.
In my past I didn't have any wisdom and used to think I should tell people or show people things. Now, I have learned that unless it is giving someone something to help them heal or just being used by a higher power to serve the HIGHER power's purpose, I feel that using spiritual gifts to make money, or to feel powerful, is using them without pure intentions. If the motive isn't pure, then in the LONG run it will cause harm, not healing.
So with everything, I look for the deep-rooted motive. What is the purpose? Why are we here? What are we doing and why? Granted, these questions tend to bother people sometimes, even more so when they don't even know. I don't follow anything blindly. I will question everything. I always have and I always will. But I suppose that is because I am always applying, observing, and watching. What puzzles me is how come the people who do nothing but try to find peace have none? I suppose the reason I say that is because I know people who are peaceful no matter what happens. You could drop a bomb on their house, tell them all their friends are dead and throw them in the middle of the wilderness, and they would be fine. I mean I know people who live in a way that makes me say, "I want that." Those people are few and far between, but I have met some and those are the people I watch because I see that bad things happen, and I see their pain and yet they still love and dream and hope and they have faith and are able to love and give even when they have nothing. I watch people, but not for just a moment but, over time, because all of us can look like Buddha on the outside for an hour or a year, but for someone to live it for a lifetime, I have yet to see it. Even the people I respect and observe fall flat on their faces and get hit by lots of rocks, but they snap back, continue to love and give with an open heart and don't go cold and numb.
To me, actions speak louder than words, so if someone claims to know the path to peace and their lives are nothing but one big soup of things which are the very opposite of peace, love, acceptance and compassion. It makes me question things.
I drove my Sunday school teachers nuts because I just felt it was wrong to demand something of others and not do it yourself. Live by example. You can't change people and you can't convert people. It doesn't work that way. I wasn't looked at fondly for challenging the systematic viewpoints, but they were not the viewpoints that their so-called king/God even taught. The Bible is basic and its message is simple: Love God and love each other. Love isn't something you experience because someone says they love you. You feel love. Love is something you see, not hear. So needless to say I thought in those days that the church was to blame. Now I realize it is not the church. The church is just people. It's people who are twisting things and using things for their own POWER or to make themselves feel good. Or they do it because THEY think THEY know everything. They forget the very simple message which was love God and love each other. Loving is an action. It is life. It is what we do, not what we say that counts. If you speak of love but still call people names, put them down , don't do anything but try to get more money, power, fame, sex, whatever your pleasure is, more marks on the being good chart, more levels on the spiritual ladder, that's not love. That's not truth. Jesus had a lot of great teachings, but leave it to us to mess them all up.
Now I am in the Buddhist new age camp and once again I see things which make me ask the questions like are you doing this to love? To give? To be pure? Or are you here to get? To take? To be more spiritually powerful? I question myself and ask why am I here? I am here to learn. I am here to not be doing what I usually do. I am here to experience this and because I am always seeking to learn. But I want to learn about the people, and I want to know why they are here. Are they happy? Are they sad? Is it helping? Is it hurting? I am here because I see a lot of pain and suffering and a lot of lost broken people. I am always meeting people who I can look at and see things - mentally, emotionally, physically, and spiritually -- that are broken, sick , or in a bad condition. I feel our current state of culture and our current system is failing, with an increase in things from depression to AIDS to addiction and beyond.
Seeing these things and the pain they causes in people makes me want to use my gifts, my ability and my visibility to do more than just make pretty pictures and music. Some people tell me that people are hopeless, but I don't believe that. I feel people haven't been given a chance or exposed to a better way, to a different way, and the reason they are walking the way they are is because no one loved them enough or cared enough to reach out or down and take the time to show them an alternative path. I feel most people my age don't really understand the mind, body soul connection. I feel most people don't understand that the reason we do things or crave things isn't because we even really want those things, but, rather, because we are craving love -- real love. But, because we haven't found it, we try to use other things to replace it in order to fill the void. Or we try to use people to fill the void, but neither work. This causes our very core -- our center, our heart, our soul -- to be off and to be very much not where it wants to be. Then things go down hill. Because no one seems to be going out of their way to reach my fellow freaks, geeks and peeps, it only seems logical for me to pass on the message, which is that the love you want, you can't earn or buy. The love you need is free, but you have to choose it. It is a choice.
So I am here because I want to understand more so I can share more. I cannot pass on anything I haven't experienced because that would be doing what was done to me, which made me doubt what I was hearing.
My website is my life. It is the creation from an adventure. It is my experiences which are documented and captured, so I want to share as I learn for that is how we learn -- from sharing with each other. It was the way we were created to learn, and help each other. Since we live in a culture that is more about learning though from teachers and/or institutions, organizations, and religions, learning in the way I think we were created to learn has been and continues to be minimized while learning what a small group of very powerful people want us to learn is becoming maximized. That is why we have more and more places where people all act, look and talk alike. All doing the same thing, watching the same TV shows, eating the same bad food, believing God is some policeman, thinking MTV is real music, and buying things because that's what you need to do in order to buy happiness.
The problem is not Starbucks or McDonalds or the corporations. The problem is not the president, religion, or our parents. The problem is that we are ignoring our souls and ignoring the truth. The problem isn't that everyone else is the problem. The problem, as I see it is, that people are out of touch with themselves. That is usually my problem and it took me forever to see it. But lately I have been working on it. I was out of touch with myself mainly because I was trying to "get love" and so I was always trying to help and love everyone else and in doing so, I lost myself. I was great at helping people, but I was bad at taking care of myself, which would lead to me being like those people I see all around me who talked of love and peace but didn't live it because often it seems most difficult to love ourselves and accept ourselves. Part of this I feel is because of culture and conditioning caused by a hyper media era and because everywhere we look, things are being projected on us. Images of perfection are flooded into our heads -- the perfect body, the perfect man, the perfect home, the perfect life. These things are like carrots on a stick being held in front of us to make us feel inadequate and not worthy, which then makes us work harder and run faster trying to be or reach that ideal until we realize we cannot reach it.
So we become addicted to making ourselves feel better or forget the feelings we have of being not worthy, which is perfect for the drugs, food, entertainment, sex, religion, and spirituality businesses because when we feel unloved, we want to feel loved. The need for love is human and it isn't going anywhere. Love used to be associated with sex and in our subconscious, it still is, which is why sex sells. It triggers that need, and we feel that if we have this or that, then we will be sexually attractive and if we get sex, then we get love. The dark side of that is as anyone who has studied psychology and human behavior knows, sex without a base of respect, friendship and commitment ends with broken hearts and homes.
The distortion of the truth is what is dark, not sex. It's the same with food. Food is good for you, but if you are using food for comfort, then it's a distorted use. Money is a tool, but if we use it for comfort, then we are distorting the use and therefore it is like throwing a rock in the pond. I have observed though through my own life and by watching others that need is the driving force behind much of what we call "sin" or "defilement," depending on if you are coming from an eastern or western perspective. Many teachers, preachers, and other spiritual leaders tell you it is "bad" and will lead to death spiritually and physically, but they fail to remember themselves that it is not the ACT that is wrong or bad; rather, it is because you are using it for the wrong thing. Sex is wonderful and beautiful; food is wonderful and beautiful; money, power, love, spiritual gifts are all wonderful, beautiful things IF they are coming from pure motives, and not being used to control or being used to try to replace something that's missing. Most of us would find, if we look deep enough into ourselves, that we are missing feeling full of love. We need a love that just drowns us and fills us so much that we no longer need to try to fill a void. There is no void. You are full and when you are full of love, it is very easy to see when things are done out of love or when you are distorting love.
When you are full, it is no longer difficult to do what is right. It becomes your nature to want to do things -- to love, to serve, to be real. If your heart is full and you have no need, there is no reason to lie, to manipulate, to steal, to rob, to hate, to be angry, to use, to abuse, to do drugs, to become obsessed with being rich, beautiful, thin, famous, spiritually powerful. If you are full of love, it makes your heart like a pond, a still, beautiful, peaceful pond. Once you are there sitting in the middle of it, you don't want to leave. Once you feel real love and peace from the divine, which is God to me, nothing can come close. I refuse to define God. It's impossible, but I do know there is a God and God cares about us individually. It is said God loves us so much that God knows the number of hairs on your head. Not even my lovers knew that, so once you are sitting in the endless, timeless love and peace that comes from God, the false replacements are no longer attractive.
It is impossible to be good, I feel, without experiencing the love and peace first. Once you experience truth and love on that level, it is easy because everything that isn't true or not for you is like a rock being thrown at your head. You don't want it to hit and you don't want to feel the pain, so you either avoid it or you catch the rock and throw it back. The rock has a place, but it's not hitting your head. That's the way all things are. Sex has a place in my life, but it's not to get love. Food has a place in my life, but it's not to get love or comfort. Coming to realize this through my experiences makes me want to show people it's not so complicated. In fact, it's very easy.
The love is here. It always has been. It's always with you. Always there but you have to choose to accept and believe in the love and have faith in what is unknown, and people can't just do that so they spend their lives in misery because they are afraid to really let go or die. Believing in the unseen is the quickest way to die or let go because it takes faith and faith takes humility and humility takes changing our minds from thinking about following our physical self and following the heart and the soul which, if we choose, can be a direct attachment to the spirit. The spirit connects to the spirit world and there seems to be two sides to the spirit world -- one that is a force of truth and love, and the other which has motives to use and tell lies.
Our spirits are connected to one or the other and we make that decision. The things that we choose are what our souls become slaves to. We can be slaves to a God who loves us to the point of sacrifice or we can choose the path of us making our egos god, or picking gods which can't love because they're made out of glass or metal or stone. God is always here. It is a matter of us seeking to know God. If you seek, you will find. My path is a long, twisted, curvy one which has taken me from the darkest places most fear to monasteries, from churches to raves, from fetish balls to metal concerts, from Christianity to Buddhism, from dropping acid to fasting, from lucid dreaming to visions. Finding God is not about living life in a box of rules. God is everywhere and He created all. Finding God is about opening our hearts and seeking God from there.
Each path is different. I read a lot of the gospels and the psalms and proverbs. I also read a lot of the other texts from Buddhist to Taoist. For me to understand is to search and I learn about God from alternative perspectives. The Bible is my staple, but I do not limit my reading to The Bible and I do not live afraid to hang out with monks or witches or any other group of people. They just have different views. I learn from them and as I see it. They are God's kids just as much as I am, so even though I may not believe what they believe, I see them as people just like me. We are all in this together and we may see things very differently but it doesn't mean I can't be with people or love people who see things from a different perspective.
No matter what our view is, we can either try to get the love we need from here and get let down over and over and/or feel unworthy, or we can turn to the love that will fill us to the point of overflowing and will never tell us we are not worthy. We are loved because we are loved. It has nothing to do with being good or bad or following rules. If it did, then God couldn't love me because I am nothing but trouble and I am "bad" in many ways. I have never been good. If being good was to earn love from God, I would never have felt it, and, in fact, the times I have felt the most love is when I realized I was wrong and went and said I was sorry to God and anyone involved who I hurt. The feeling of love I felt then is a very powerful feeling, a very real feeling which has been slowly erasing fear from my perception of love. If God who is God can love me when I am bad, then I can't be that bad. And it's not about good and bad. Rather, it's about seeking to love God and love each other.
Good and bad is a trap that often keeps us from love. If you are loved, you want to do what is love. If you are loved, you change. It changes you and it transforms you.
Transformation is when God's love touches you and affects you in such a way that it changes you and it makes you want to change. It is not something you do alone. It is like making love -- it takes two. You can transform your habits and you can change your hair, your dress, your shoes, your body, your work, your play, your car, your lover, your food, and your drugs, but a transformation of the soul takes a spiritual connection or encounter. When you encounter God's love it changes you. It does something that lasts. Many people have spiritual encounters, but many of those encounters are not from God. Many are distortions of truth. If you come face to face and your soul is touched by God, there is no turning back. You can run and you can hide, but you know God is always right there and you feel the love even when you are trying to escape it, to avoid it, or to hide from it. Maybe you feel guilty, but the guilt isn't from God. That's the oldest trick in the book to keep you away.
I feel the whole reason we have Jesus is to try to make us see that God loved us so much and through Jesus was trying to give us a way out of the guilt and fear and shame. The sad thing is that somehow we messed that up too and Jesus has become a scapegoat and people miss the point. But, if we try to be good just to be good, we can be better but we will never be able to be good. We will always mess up, have bad days, and fall flat on our faces.
To me, living to be good seems impossible. Living to love seems realistic, and as simple as it may sound, it works. Love God. Love each other. And the rest will fall into place. It's not so complicated. I don't know what I think. I would have to do it more. I think I need to sit up and not forget to drink my ginger tea. Needles don't scare me and if I ever have pain, I will try it before I take a pill, but in ways it's doing the same thing.