into the subway people in suite with mind in circles of what to do
“ the rents late”
“ I want a new girlfriend”
“ why do I have to be sitting next to them”
“ I wonder if my stocks will go up”
banker broker budist busssiness men business women
old women fat sweating eyes like little peas she looks at the floor she eats
mcdonalds and potato chips she reads fashion magazines
hate the models wants to be one hates her body buys more potato chips
the smell of sweat and grease make my tummy turn
out on to 7th avenue men walk fast look at me undress me
no other thoughts they think of on thing me naked in bed or me naked next
to them or me naked
naked
naked
silly strange men
then they think of why I ignore them
they think they are too ugly
to fat
to old
to poor
or they may think I am a dyke
on man hollers why are you ignoring me
I am taken I say and keep walking
Walking around this city is like a game of pac man I am trying not to get
eaten
Strange city
To the gym
The boy smiles behind the counter we talked once about caffinnee about add
now he gives me free coffee he is happy
Always making wheat grass or carrot jucie for big men with big muscels or
little women or big women all kinds of people pass by. I go up stairs there
I am in a room with naked women all over all types. I never got to see naked
women till I left home then it was hard for me not to notice. Not because
I am a perverte but rather I am fascinated with there bodies, there breast
there hair there skin there shape, they are all so different I try not to
wonder try not to look but I cant help wondering cant help wondering if they
are married if they are single what they do how they feel ------then I go
down the stairs to yoga I sit on the floor. I breathe in and out
In and out
The mind starts
SHUT UP this is yoga
It dosent listen
It has been a long time
My body is being a brat
I try not to loss connection
Oh wait I lost that when I was a kid and used to be beat
I am trying to reconnect
Ok connect
Legs I know you are there
Hello
I struggle I don’t feel
I feel like a flicker
There you are
She sees me
She sees me struggle
She comes she touches little things and I feel huge amounts of tension fall
She touches my heart and I felt something pop
Pop
Pop
Pop
Wait
I let go
There it was pop pop the body breaks out
And I felt it
Then it goes back to mind
Struggle
Sweat
I forgot how to feel
For years my body was a machine it worked
It worked to survive
It was beat it kept going
It was bruised
It was hit over and over I just kept going
How
I turned it off you can do that you can turn it off and well now I don’t
need to be off
Off is only when well you can physically deal with the pain
Pop
Pop
Yoga over
I wanted to talk to her
To shy
I left upstairs
Naked women
I take a shower I set out
A big women looks at me
She wished she was skinny
I make eye contact
I say no you don’t
Be happy
The way you are
I go into the bathroom
Bathrooms are hard for me steam rooms
There is something there that eats me
I found it today
I used to hide to cry in the shower in the bathroom it was the only quiet
place
And so now years latter I go there and the mind used to old tricks slips back
Then of course the tape comes on, of the words your fat, ugly why don’t
you---------
Enough tape
Silence
Out of the steam room the phone rings
Musician
We talk
About collberations
Meetings
I get dressed
Head down
Back on 7th avenue
Pac man
On the phone again
Get a juice
Wonder
I go to the cathedreal
Quiet
Peace
No pac man
I hide in a corner
I bury my head in my lap
I go dead silent
I sit
I feel love inside
I feel love outside
Love ripes open old wounds
Yes where is the achohol
Out
Your clean silly girl out with all the past
In comes the love
And it replaces all
And then the heart opens
To the sky
To the heaven
And I leave
To the agency
To have a juice
With david f
We speak of love
We speak of life
We speak of truth
We run
To free people
Free from rules
From limits
From ideals
Train
Here and then
I most go
For more of a day
Say
I
Love
You
Mr
M