Zen Baby -- Lessons Learned With Time
Lately, I have been challenged on all levels about love, about decisions i have made. My heart says one thing and the world says another and sometimes it breaks me apart. The cold words of people rip into me and I don't feel angry; i feel sad. We live in a world where people often feel that in order to feel good about themselves, they have to tear other people down. They have to doubt the integrity of others. Strange things have been happening. Someone has been tagging my building with "meow meow." This is a bit strange, but so be it. I thinks it's a weird event and has nothing to do with me. Someone who is a close friend said, "Well, maybe it's your ex."
i looked at him. i felt anger. Not at him, but at the judgment. "He would never do that. He never lied to me. He would never mess with my mind."
But it didn't end there
When people love me, sometimes they start getting possessive and that makes me want to run. When people try to mark me as "theirs," i want to run and cut it all off. i spend a lot of time being objectified by people and i know it happens all the time and i accept that, but it doesn't mean i have to deal with it or not confront what's not cool about it. i have in my past done the same thing and i regret it whole heart and mind.
It's a sick way to have a relationship on any level. it takes a lot to make me angry. i have to say that. But one thing that causes me to feel angry is when someone takes a stab at someone i love -- ex or not, it doesn't matter. If i still love someone and respect them, and someone else in my circle takes stabs at them without knowing them, it makes me sick to my tummy because it's the farthest thing from love. Love doesn't do that. Love doesn't judge people. It doesn't know the action.
I sat there and thought about what to do. Part of me just wanted to run because i know the root of the action, but then the heart reminded me that i have to practice what i say, what i follow. Great. Confrontation. i hate it. The one area of my life that i am not so good at is confronting people and telling them when they hurt me or upset me. i used to just swallow it and let them hurt me and take it. Not exactly a healthy way of living, but part of loving someone is telling them the truth and confronting them even when you don't want to, so i did it and i did it both times. And each time i was going out of my comfort zone, but it is because i love my friend and i also still respect and love the person he was taking stabs at. i couldn't just be silent.
i understand there are a lot of people right now out there who think i have lost it because i have been single and celibate since August 2003. People say, "Have you lost it? Why don't you go date other people? Why don't you go out with some other guy? You're being a fool to even continue on the path your on."
Some people try to tear him down to try to take his place. It doesn't work. It only makes me angry that someone is messing with what, to me, is sacred.
It's real simple, everyone. i follow my heart. End of story! And in all honesty, i enjoy being alone. And at this time, i think it is needed for healing purposes as well as for my own personal development.
i am starting to peel back some very deep layers and do some very deep healing and cleansing. i can't go putting new things in old wounds and not expect it to hurt or make me freak out. So, being alone is needed. For years, i had a wound and i just kept jamming more things into it, trying to make it better and i only made it deeper.. Now, I know the only way to heal is to let it heal and let it return to the starting point.
That is exactly what is happening. Everything that was taken away -- all of the innocence and sensitivity that was torn away from abusive and dark places -- is now being restored because the wound is healing and, as it is healing, what was gone is coming back.
It's a process and let me tell you it's painful. As soon as i thought i was somewhere, i discovered a whole new world to work on. i realize i am like a child with a loaded .45. i never really understood the full power or effect of my sexuality until now. But, by being aware of it and being aware of its power, i am now able to control it. I understand how it affects people and now i am its master and it doesn't master me. By being celibate for this long, i have learned to be its master. But, by this, i also have recognized the times in my past when i let it master me and it caused me and others pain. Granted, the past is in the past and the past is nothing but lessons. Most people are not the master of their own sexuality but are often controlled by it.
These are the people who think i am crazy for being single and celibate. To them, it is an unrealistic thought because they are still so controlled by it. Learning to control it is not easy and there are times that are very hard. After all, i am human. i am just like any other woman who wants a man. It's nature. It's built into our bodies and minds. It's human nature and there is no way to stop it except to learn discipline, which is what i have learned. i look at it like this: i have had countless failed relationships because we were not willing to sacrifice for one reason or another and we were not willing to practice discipline. A long term relationship is built on love, dedication, trust and respect, not on sex. Sex is a bonus to love, but love is not sex and sex without love is as empty as it gets. It hurts more than anything else i know in the long term, but in the short term it is amazing. However, then two years or three years or ten years later you feel the pain of understanding that either you were being used or you used someone. It's not so pleasant.
And so in all reality i don't look at my not being active at all in a sexual way with people as a positive because, as i look at it, when life says it's time and it's the right time and place, then there will be none of the drama or pain or fear or issues that were there in the past. i want to have guilt free and fear free sex. That's the only kind that i want. The kind that comes with love and caring, truth and integrity. The rest of it to me is empty and broken and i would rather not engage at all.
i spend so much time hearing from my friends and from people in general on how much pain they are in because of relationships that were built backwards and either fall apart or don't last. i would rather be alone and avoid it all than to live in a state of chaos. i believe in destiny. i believe in love. i believe in soul mates and that there is someone for each of us and that when the time is right and the place is right, we will bump into each other on the path and continue the journey together.
i am not worried. If i am meant to be alone, i am meant to be alone. If i am meant to be with someone, then i am meant to be with someone. But i will listen to my heart and when people come into my life and my heart says, "NO WAY," then I listen. When it says, "RUN," i listen. When it says, "Be careful. They just want to do you," I proceed with my eyes super open. Most of my relationships ended because my heart was screaming "ALL WRONG" and I tried to make it right. But it said, "This is not right. It's wrong." Then i would leave.
i am a complicated because of my work. Most people don't get it, Most boyfriends really didn't get it and most tried to control it or me or told me to stop it. Well, the work is very sacred to me. My music is sacred. So is my website. This is my work, my vocation. My music is my vocation. It is what i have been called to do. And that means it is a calling and i cannot deny it. The consequences would be spiritual pain on a level I have already experienced because I have run so many times in my past that i know what happens when i try to deny what i have been given to do. Music is very spiritual and because of that, i am a channel and if i am sleeping with someone they are exposing me, everything around them or attached to them spiritually. And i am doing the same.
Because of the music, i am spiritually super sensitive and so, needless to say, i have to be super careful. Music is like the prime focus for the spiritual warfare land because it is so powerful. It can make people want to kill or make them want to love. i can't be involved with someone who is not aware spiritually because when you become one, you become one spiritually. Most men are not that aware and that was a huge problem. This was a problem for my entire life. If i was attached to someone who was not able to see what was going on in a spiritual sense, they would get their asses kicked by the dark because i have found the dark is just like the mafia -- if it can't harm you, it goes for your closest links. So i don't have too many close links. It takes people who are not asleep to the spiritual world because i am like a magnet for the energy and i used to get my own ass kicked and i am just learning how to really play the game now.
I am getting my Jedi training now. Last year, i was really making some big mistakes because i used to engage, and i also had a harder time understanding truth from lies. But that was because i still let some of my personal cravings rule my mind and body as opposed to my soul and as opposed to the truth. The lies i believed were because i wanted something and i was still afraid to give it all up. Until i was willing to sacrifice everything to live for what was true, including the few things i wanted to cling to, i was open for the dark to come in and kick my ass because i left the door open.
There is a difference between wanting something and not being willing to turn it over. What i have learned is i will always want. And it is not about being bad or not. Sex is not bad; drinking is not bad. It's the context and the time. It can cause harm if it is in the wrong place and time because it is not true. If sex or drinking is used to try to cover pain or find comfort, it causes harm because it is being used to cover and fill a spiritual hole and it cannot cover or fill it, so it is used out of context. That is where it becomes unhealthy.
so, anyways, the lesson learned. in its place and time. i have to go out and play.