solitude me and you

lost in thought

found in silence

the moments

pass by

i stare at the clock

where is my life going

so fast i reflect

on my past

on my present

aware of my state

aware of my dream

aware of my battle

aware of my feelings

my heart leaves my body

more often these days

to touch the crowds

or when i see your

face in the pictures

which i post near my bed

because its how i send you

love over the wires of space

you said you needed space

and time

and you felt

like it was too much

and i said i would give it

yet it is new for me

the questions come up

well how much space

how much time

and i can ask the wall

but it dosent talk back

so i think as little as i can

about those things

yet the questions pop up

and i cant deny them

but does it matter

no really

at least to me

so i focus on all i want to be

go after all my dreams

and there are so many boys

who try to win me

to dine me

to please me

i laugh inside

you cant compete

sorry

i fix my place up

grow plants

write poetry

music

discover more areas of myself

find more of me lurking

i uncover layers

what is my dream

ahhh i see it and it is beautiful

but for every dream

there is a battle

of truth

trust

and time

it is always that way

and sometimes

the battle

is all in your mind

what is love

love is not

giving up

love allows time

although sometimes i am like a child

i want you here now

i want you inside

i want to hide

under your bedsheets

and i want to take you away

to LA or to the beach

and do naughty things to you

but i cant

not now

so this is what is called fantasys

and i wonder if it disagress

with my spiritual teachers

who tell me not to lust

but is it lust

or longing

and does it matter

i paint pictures

you reminded me of that

i had forgot

put my brushes away

now there are many

and many more coming

yes i remember me

i walk sometimes near

your loft

i dont mean too

sometimes people say meet me here

and or there

and part of me

wants to run and hide

because if i saw you

i could control my heart

it wold leave

and want to reach out

and touch you

but i go

i meet my friends

down the street

turns out on of them

knows you meet you one day

strange world

small circles wind

and i see you in dreams

we talk

and make love

and walk by the ocean

and then i wake up

no wonder i like my sleep

people look at me

feel sorry for me

i look at them

i would rather be alone

and have known

that there is one true and beautiful

i would rather keep to myself

then to lose my integrity

and be with someone

i cant love

no it was beautiful

why fuck it up

why cheapen it

i can have anyone

but whats the point

why kill it

smash it

i dont need anyone

dont you understand

i am fine alone

i will stay that way

i chose it

i have my freedom

but i have it

because i know

what i want

and i know what i want

and its not

sex

its not

some boyfriend

or girlfriend

to make me feel like

i am worth something

i am fine

alone on my own

and i dance

in my dreams

but it dosent mean

i dont miss him

it dosent mean

i dont feel

it just means

i do as i please

and what i want

it too be alone

so they waste there

time and there energy

and i look at them

i will cut you off

you will not come near

if you bring it up again

dont try to use it

to try to make me

yours

i dont need you either

i look into eyes

i see your plan

silly boy

trying to find a wound

so you can make me weak

not a good idea

i am awake

you are asleep

not make me

this is life

the city

sleeps

i am awake

now i know

what it is like

to really see

clearly

this alone thing

has been very good for me

because it made me realize

how much

i dont want

anything

except

the real thing

so i will wait

and let them

call me crazy

i will wait

and find

more rivers to swim into

more dreams to aspire to

i will grow

and i will become

whole

i will spend time

healing from the wounds

from lies

i will spend time

expanding my mind

building things

creating dreams

growing wings

and one day

if it is meant to be

i will share them

with you

till then

i spend time

looking at the sky

and telling the stars

to shine on you

i talk to the angels

tell them to

fight with you

i ask them

to create a better

place for you

to be

so you can be

happy and free

and dream

because i want to see

you there

happy

and free

with a smile on your face

so at night

before i close my eyes

i ask them

to watch over you

they already pulled me through

to the otherside

now i send them

over the bridge

to your room

when your down

i ask them

to show you the way out

goodnight

moon

goodnight

stars

goonight

my love

is

and

will

always

be

with

you