What to fear?

I grew up in nature, nature to me is the perfect ideal place to live. In a world where the earth provides your needs. As a child I spent countless hours within the silence the peace of nature. Nature was a sanctuary for me. Because I lived in a house of tension so in order to find peace I would run as fast as I could to the woods and then I would hide myself between rocks under trees. I would lay on my back  and stare at the sky for hours, dreams, visions ideas would just fall into my little head. I would take my books  of poetry of shelly or woodsworth, my spelling and my math and sit down by the water, usually naked because out there I was free I could be naked. So often I would, I would let the sun feed my body, my soul my mind, I would sit in the water and let the cool sound and the refreashing bubbles calm me.

I hated returning to the indoors, I would stay out as long as I can, many times past sunset, past the point of darkness. I developed my senses, the 6^th sense out there in the woods,  I could feel the prescene of a bird, an animal, or a human more often or not before they felt me. On occasion a hunter would wonder into my little paridise and I would like a deer crouch below the rocks or trees or lay down and be still and hope they wouldent see me. I spent years in the woods, and was never bitten by anything, I never had a run in with animals, because I learned how to sense them therefore by being aware unlike most humans I didn’t scare them. Most animals become violent when they are afraid as do humans.

The woods were my escape my reality there I made the rules, there I didn’t have to hear anger, or shouting or fighting or any of the other negitive things it was peaceful.

So I turned 15 and I had older friends who then would come and take me away from home, I would beg, please, please come get me. My house was under a lot of pressure financially, emotionally, causing it to be a very often tense envoirment, causeing me to want to be away from it at all cost. So then I went from the woods to hanging out in waffle houses and coffee shops.

Where else do you take a 15 yearold, so I went from the woods to coffee shop and waffle houses, and there I was still like a child observing everything, feeling the prescene of people, sensing there movements as well as there emotional state.

Johnathan was the guard dog, I always seem to have them, there is only a few places in my life when I didn’t have one. Those are the times when bad things tended to happen. Johnathan and David where two of the first. They were like brothers, I was like there little sister, they protected me. For a year I never was anywhere without one of them. Both of them let me have my freedom, gave me space, allowed me to be wide eyed and child like, dreaming and open, because whenever someone would try to come in they would always be there beside me. Keeping the preditors away. But I felt them and so did they. They were soulless people.

Johnathan and David are both very in tune, in other words there 6^th sense is still to this day active. Most people lose it. The tv will kill it, amongst other things. The 6^th sense comes from your soul it reads other peoples emotions,feelings and soul. Johnathan was the one who introduced me to depeche mode, which changed my life, Johnathan and I talked for hours and hours about God, love, life, soul, the future. He would drive hours with me, for me. We would listen to music in jazz cafes, and walk around the train tracks. We feed each other, we loved each other. Like brother and sister.

Then I turned 16 and wanted to explore the world so I ventured out of my world of protection, into the city. The doors opened through modeling, and modeling opened the doors into the nightlife. I went alone, because I had to, all my friends were under 21 and I was 16 but I because of my looks and energy always could get in and get what I wanted.

So I went from a world of the woods, to a world of coffee shops, to a world of drugs, sex, achohol, and there I was in the heart. The doors were all open for me, anything, everything I wanted. I became a scene queen, I was the girl on the list, I was the girl the drag queens would bring in, I was the girl everyone wanted to be around to hang out with. For the first year while I was in the fashion scene I was adopted again, this time by two drag queens, Bill a beautiful gay boy, and a model, as well as half the industry. Needless to say they all watched out for me. But they treated me as an equal, the door for drugs was wide open and I knowing no rules, no limitations, no fear and wanting to experince it for myself partook.

I loved the feeling, I loved the lack of reality, I loved the way I could go from one state to another. Cocain, exstasy were the drugs of the early years. I was still living at home, my parent believed me when I told them I was working at a coffee shop. In truth I was promotiong parties and doing fashion shows. Then I forgot to hide something well enough and they found out. They were shocked, I remember driving to church still high on coke from the night before and arriving and sitting there stright out of the clubs. But for me God never abandoned me regardless of drugs so going to church high was normal.

Then again I talked to God when I was on drugs just as much as when I was off of them although part of my talking was a challenge. My parents tried to stop me, the more they tried to stop me the more I pushed away. Because you see I never felt like I was really loved or accepted by my parents. I never felt good enough, I never felt wanted I always felt like an outcast like a reject. By them and by the church. I felt I wasn’t good enough so I wanted love and I was sick of being put down, sick of being torn apart. Sick of hearing how worthless how useless how ugly and imperfct I was so the hurt turned to energy.

In the world of artist, of gay boys, of drag queens of artist of musicians, I found love, I found acceptence I found hope. When I was home I only wanted to die, so my logical ansewer was to find love, somewhere else and I did. The drag queens, bill, the musicians, the artist they loved me, I was there little adopted stray child, and to this day they find me and say “ how are you” to this day I go back and there hearts and homes are open too this day I knew they cared. Those years where amazing because I began to find myself.

But then it happened one day I came home and there was a list of rules which in order to live in my house I had to obey, I read the most ridiculais list and my parents told me I had to sign a contract. I assume they thought I would, but as I sat there something inside of me shut, rules, of being good, I couldent obey, inside part of me died, if I am not good they not only don’t love me don’t want me here, so I got up and right then the child in me went into a box because she was screaming and the adult in me took over, “ I will leave”

They were shocked, they took away my car my money all I had,

But at this point there was no turning back

David come get me, and he did and I rememeber driving down the road into the night and to this day that moment burns in my head. Because my soul said you cant live in a box, rules are are created to control, love changes people not rules.

So there I was on one couch then on another, M was a friend of a girl who I was close to holly, holly had adopted me as her baby sister. She put me with him because she said I would be safe. M tried to help me, tried to feed me tried to keep me safe, alive. I was working at a bar, I bought a car for three hundred dollars. I worked all day , went out all night, I did fashion, art, music I was still the darling on the scene. I was happy I was safe, I was making money. But there was a a huge hole in my heart where love was supposed to be that never was. God hello what is going on.

So he was a guard dog, he treated me like a sister, never tried anything. Then one night I encountered the first vampire so to speak. I was 17, he was beautiful, or so he seemed. I being open as always trusted him, we went out, I remember sitting in a parking lot of a mall drinking. Then we went back to where I was staying I didn’t want to sleep with him, I told him that, so I went to sleep on the couch, the next morning I wake up to him, naked, not understanding the word no.

So then I not knowing anything logical about these things, and feeling sorry for him, and feeling guilty said, well ok then I will do what I thought I should and try to make it work, make it last. So the next thing I know we move into an apartment, I didn’t want to have sex, I didn’t want to be in a relationship but I felt it was what I was supposed to do. Because I grew up with the belief if you sleep with someone you have to stay with them. I was also 17 and a child so I didn’t know any better. He was 24 or so, we got a place, and as soon as we moved in I understood. I did all the work, bought everything, I made it a home, I worked doubles to pay the rent, on top of the fashion shows, I paid all the bills. He never had money, he lied about jobs, then I figured it out, he was a drug addict and a dealer. He feeling guilty about it decided to bring me in, so the next thing I know I was being feed tons of acid and drugs and taken around with him and his friends. I did it because that is the way I am, I wanted to please to make him happy.

So then things got worse, I was worn, he was draining me, everyone told me to run. So then things got worse, I would try to open his soul he would get anger and tear me apart. I would try to reach under his layers of hardness and he would slam the door on my face, he cut me off. Then it went from bad to worse because you see I still didn’t see he was a vampire, I still hoped he had a soul. It was the night he took me to see his friends, to “ hang out” I was dinner, I didn’t know it, the next thing I know I was drugged and then what happened next was I was dinner to a circle of dealers……..in the morning I walked outside, and there in suburbia hell I looked at the sky at the pavement. I had been sold, by the very one I was trying to love, I had been loyal, I had been all I could be, I had loved as much as I could and I had sacrified all I was and then he turned around and feed me to his friends as payment for coke. I wanted to run, but where could I run I wanted to hide but where could I hide, I didn’t know I could call the cops, I couldn’t go home, I was alone, I was ashamed, I blamed myself.

So he took me back, I went to the bathroom found a line, and from then on drugs where the thing that kept me from feeling the pain that was huge within. I  being a big heart didn’t know what to do, so latter in the week I was out and I broke down in front of a gay friend and told him how my boyfriend abused me, but I didn’t tell him I was raped, just abused. So then they came and rescued me.

Vampiers are humans who have turned there souls off, only people with dead or turned off souls can rape little girls, or kill people or do things that would normally make you scream and cry. Vampiers often can appear beautiful, but they are empty. Between the years of 17-18 I would say I was hunted, and more then once I was bitten. Each time was the same story, I was out late at night and I would be talking and want to talk to connect to have a meaningful conversation. I loved people I didn’t want to sleep with them. The problem where the ones who raped me where usually people who I trusted, as friends or as coworkers, because of that it made it harder because people would change on me.

So then I as always looked over it and said well what did they all have in comman, and they all were the same soulless, they would tell me they cared, tell me they wanted to do things to help the world. But there was always an uneasiness, a question a doubt.

I became a drug addict to numb the pain, it didn’t work.

My soul was screaming

My body wouldent die

So then I saw I was stuck here, and so I had to learn how to survive how to live how to keep safe.

I had to learn what to avoid and how to keep safe in an unsafe world.

So I made the first choice of not being alone, david lived with me, and then two gay boys lived with me, then when I moved again I took in a street kid who lived with me. So I wasent alone, I wouldent go out alone, I always had a boy beside me, always like brothers. But they would scare away those who normally would eat me.

So it stopped, I was never raped again, I would work with other models, or I would bring a friend, I would always have someone near. It was a way of protecting myself. As a child in a grown up world.

I learned what to fear, not fear as in run and scared, fear as in being aware. When I was traveling I would travel with other models, or would bring dawwn with me. This prevented me from having another vampire attack. Then I built a network of people all over the world, a network of guard dogs, I would find those good souls in the dark places and in citys and they became my bases. I moved through them, going from town to town I was never alone again I was always expected I made my life public, for two reasons. I have nothing to hide, and the second, by making it public there are records. Of everything these records became my protection.

I moved to new york, I didn’t go out late at night, I didn’t go to parties, I didn’t do the scene. I said I wouldent unless I was with someone, and not as a trophy. I went out twice and both times the vampires came out of the woodwork fast and as usual saw a little spark and said dinner. So needless to say that was the last I was going out alone. So I didn’t date, I didn’t go out, I worked, and I learned. I lived in Bed stu

People say I was crazy, but you see to me walking around crown heights is safer at 3 in the morning then going out to the hip clubs in the city alone. Because walking around crown heights is like being in the woods, I can sense the souls, and if I feel a dead one I can avoid it, I become a shadow, but its funny because there are less dead ones there then in the circles of fame. So I loved bed stu I became friends with the locals, I became friends with those who others are afraid of. Because they had soul and they then became my guard dogs. Every night lucky would walk me home, he sat on the street I lived on all night and watched the block. When david came they became friends, they watched out for me. I would go to the city alone late at night and wonder the streets, in baseball hats and sweat pants, and would walk through grand centreal when it was empty. I would prowls over the bridges and over the city late.

So then I moved to Williamsburg, I moved there to be a child to reconnect to heal. I moved in with a mother and child. I hide there and I opened the box the child had been in for years, I went to Milan and I recovered my sense I turned them all back on. But in Williamsburg I felt a million eyes, I couldent walk around without people staring at me, without people stopping me, without people coming at me. I thought of staying there but I wanted peace and Williamsburg is to crowded and too full of yuppies, and people who souls are full with bills, and obsessions of what is hip. There are the true artist but they are all like me leaving and moving elsewhere cause when a place becomes a nesting ground for people who sell there souls for money fame or power it hurts the energy.

So then I was debating what next, now I understand what I want, I want peace I want energy that is real. I want areas that aren’t too hip for this. So I found a place

A place of isolation

You see in the city the closest you can get to the woods is the industrial woods, the woods of concerte and abandon buildings, the woods of empty warehouses. That is where I am now and I walk late at night alone down isolated streets with maybe a soul or two. They look at me and some would be afraid but they don’t pounce, I am one of them. They will pounce on you if you come in with a suite, with a briefcase, flaunting your money, they will pounce if you have an ego, I walk down York street, and I see the boys, trying to break into a store, I laugh they look at me “ you wanna help” no, its ok I say.

I lived in the areas like this twice in Atlanta, both where my most creative times, because I didn’t have distractions, I didn’t have to deal with the fakeness that makes me sick. Being able to sense souls is a pain when you walk around and so many are dead or dried up or feeding the beast of greed and ego.

So here I walk around and I feel peace, here I feel safe. Here I feel alive because here there are only people who are surviving, living or who like me are sick of the games. Of who is who and what they have.

I walk through the projects on the way home I could walk through the wealthy area but I am more drawn to the projects. But you see to me I am just like them, they are just like me, I smile, they smile, I ask directions they help me. Its so easy to judge them, but really they are all the same. Once they see I am not afraid and not judging them, it opens them up and they usually become like guard dogs. The gang boys become my friends, which keeps the real danger away from me.

Just like yesterday when I was walking at 105^th street and I stopped in a Mexican restrunt, I asked to use the bathroom and they said in a second, but then the owner started talking to me, or I opened up, I brought myself to his level. Most would just treat them like slaves, like a lower class. But then as I talked I saw what a amazing human he was how much he new his eyes sparkeled his smile was like a big sunbeam. We talked about the world, about traveling, about family, about love. When I left I cried when I remembered we are all the same and he is just like me, worth as much as me, and so now I know when I go to that part of the city I have someone I can say hello to.

You see the only thing in life to fear

Is losing your soul

Losing the ability to

See the simple fact, we are all the same, rich or poor, black or white old or young. When we judge each other when we think we are better we are dying.

So now

The only thing I fear is losing my soul, and the only things I avoid is things that take it away.

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