-----------------------battel for truth --------------------------MILAN 2003-------------------Jillian Ann

The Battle of Truth

    Truth is rapidly becoming a rare object. Truth is ever ceasing from the mouths of humanity. The fleeting truth is causing great harm to humanity as well as the world. The truth is not illusions that fill our mind created by the heads of advertising agencies. These things are illusions. The people you see as perfect are not an the way of life made popular by the majority of the media will not make you thinner, happier or more productive. Truth is not something stressed amongst western society. The attitude that if it doesn't hurt anyone, then there is nothing wrong with it is a very close-minded perspective. In reality, each action has a counteraction. Often, lying is considered harmless unless it is very obvious that it would hurt someone. The core of the issue though is more about the inner lie that causes a large majority of western society to be like sheep. That lie is a loss of sense of self and soul. Individuality in America is rapidly vanishing and being replaced with a major amount of serious conformity. People hate their jobs, hate their reflections, are unhappy and bored ; they are like babies, whose battles are never enough and continually running out.

    The modern day battle comes packaged as entertainment in many forms -- replacements for true human interaction. To destroy the temptation you have to be aware of it because it comes like a thief. Temptation wears many faces. Typically, the most beautiful. Why would temptation be ugly or uninviting? Why would it be anything less than your greatest fantasy? If it all started with an apple, why would it become anything less through the ages?

    Temptation, for me, has come in many ways and wearing many faces. Each day it seems to change its mask in order to continue to distract and keep my attention away from what I should be focusing on. At a point in my life, I stopped attempting to avoid and turn down temptation. I grew sick of battling the ever changing and ever determined demons within and decided that the best way to rid myself of them was to listen. Once I crossed the line, they did not hesitate at rapidly filling my cup. At the age of 16, I had seen and experienced more of the fantasies, escapes, indulgences that most never experience.

    Temptation. At first it was simple things like lying, smoking, sneaking out. The more I tried to be good as a child, the more difficulty it became. I was crushed at a very young age when I fully understood not only that it was impossible for me to be good – completely good – for a single day.

    Back to temptation. I gave in and went on a ride. I'm an extremist. So, as I do every day, I put all of my energy into living a life where there were no limits, no boundaries, no rules. In ways, I chose not only to get to know my weaknesses, my cravings, but to push them back by taking them as far and as hard as I could. Example – drugs. In their own way, drugs are like forcing our mind to experience things faster and harder. I loved the fact that with a simple pill, line or liquid, I could live in a world where nothing was real or how it seems. I did an inhuman amount very quickly, going from none to enough to kill most in a matter of a month. Then, the temptation that started originally as a pleasure became a full time lover, job and life. My obsession, as all temptations do, became destructive. Most do. Like charmers, they want something. They give you pleasure – an illusion – but there is always a price tag. Then, I hated my temptation and hated myself for allowing it to control me.

    Rather than destroying the thing that was controlling me, it furthered its control by telling me I was nothing without it. Since I felt nothing with it, on it or through it any longer, I decided I should just end everything. As in myself and my life. Now, as I said before, I am an extremist and so not everyone's experience is as intense as mine was. I then tried with a vengeance to destroy myself by being a slave 200% to my master. But, as you see, it failed. I was lucky. Most aren't. Most don't go where I went and live to talk about it. Then I woke up literally and I knew hat I detested it, was disturbed and then hated it with a passion

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