Growing up I heard about people being raped or sexually abused but because it was often seen as bad it wasn't openly discussed. Western culture is strange like that we make more money of pornography then all other movies and music combined but yet talking openly about rape or sexual abuse isn't an easy thing to do it makes people uncomfortable usually because they themselves at some point or another had to deal with it either as a victim or by being or knowing a predator. We also live in a so called Christian Nation which sadly tends to sweep anything that isn't so pretty under the rug and in suburbia were picket fences and church's are on every block rape and sexual abuse doesn't have a place in the open.

When things are secret or hidden they have power when they are out in the open they are visible they are seen and they lose there power. The fact that rape and sexual abuse are usually hidden and swept under the carpet because people are afraid of being judged, being made to feel shameful, or afraid to be seen as dirty the truth is anyone who hides it i understand completely because I was the typical girl who grew up in a christian home were things just weren't talked about sex was bad and so I understand why people do hide it.

So we are in this big cycle of hiding yet the statistics of people who are raped or sexually abused are shocking. Before I go into why I will tell you how I got here. I grew up in a home were my parents tried to protect me but then of course I was out in the real world and I was on a photo shoot and its a long story but I was raped more then once and afterwards basically encouraged to stay silent. Afterwards I felt I had lost all value all worth all beauty, but were could I turn my friends I didn't feel would understand, my family I was afraid would judge me, since I got the vibe through church sex was bad I didn't want to feel worse then I did. So I stuffed it but it affected me because inside I was broken and bleeding and the pain was eating at me and I tried to ignore it and then to cover it. Over the course of the next two years I went from drugs to S&M to just unhealthy destructive behaviors, eating disorders, sex without love. I was just trying to find a way to ease the pain but I was afraid to tell anyone why or how. To me the establishment scared me, I was broken but I wasn't crazy I was depressed but it was because I was walking around with all these secrets and nightmares. My trip through Darkville as I will call a few years of my life after the initial rape included multiple recurrences of sexual abuse and rape, I felt like a child lost wondering in circles and then I would run into danger and freeze like a deer in headlights. But yet I was protected in some strange way because then I meet people who didn't take advantage of my brokenness, and I meet people who I felt safe with and I meet men who really cared enough for me to tell them my secrets.

OPening up was terrifying because I didn't know if I would be judged, and it hurt to open it up and by opening it up I was facing it. But I had come to see if I was ever going to love and to be whole I had to go back and revisit darkville and face all the things which made me want to live in a coma, which made me want a button I could push to erase parts of my life. The people around me those were wise and they loved me even when I was freaking out they pushed me though to go and to heal, because they couldn't heal me. For a long time I thought someone could heal me, I would look for my knight in shining armour to come and heal all my wounds but I have learned no one can heal me but me and maybe God but no one single person can heal me, healing is  a process and it takes time. So once I realized no lover no drug no amount of fame or money could ease the pain I knew I had to start really trying to find a way back.

I wanted to be whole I wanted to be happy, I wanted to feel safe in the world in my skin to feel ok being alone to feel ok looking at myself my head had been filled with tapes of things which held me down to the ground with chains and I wanted the tapes out I wanted my life my body back and at this point the pain had turned to anger not anger at people but anger that I was not able to be whole anger that I was locked in a cell in my head a cell of memories and bad dreams that haunted me because I tried to hide them.

So I got over my pride, I got over the I can fix it all alone I got over the fear of rejection or judgment, I realized it would be worse for me to live in the prison in my head then any judgment anyone else could pass on me for my past or my days in darkville. So I called out, I took a sledge hammer and broke the silence and I did it over and over with various people I told them how and why and where I was and then said so now how do I heal, I wanted my life my mind my body back and I would stop at nothing to get it back.

So someone found a bunch of places that offered free therapy for people who have been raped or sexually abused. I always looked at therapy as something for weak people but I realize now therapy is about getting the truth back and freeing your mind from the lies or distortion that abuse rape or trauma leaves behind in our heads and twist our perspectives. I didn't want to tell my friends or my family alot of the things that have gone down over the years, in fact I don't like telling people because it always makes them sad if they love me, and alot of it was just to heavy and to dark and to messed up for me to feel safe telling anyone who I didn't trust with my life. I needed a place were I could go and tell them the things I wont tell anyone the secrets the stories that I spent years trying to erase from my head and heart. But no matter what I did they wouldn't go away so I realized I had to learn to face accept and realize its all a part of me but its not a negative thing. So I talked to someone and they told me to go in and I went in and I told them everything, I figured I might as well tell her everything because by law she can never tell anyone so I opened up the box of secrets and it was like opening up the flood gates. The tears came the pain came but afterwards I walked away feeling a little more free and a little more healed. Then I realized this wasn't going to happen overnight so I kept going back and I kept digging and pulling things out and alot of times I would cry or I would fall apart but I would always walk out knowing I was coming back together.

Over a year  has passed and I am now happy to say even though I still struggle its minor, I am not afraid of myself or life, I am not ashamed, I know it wasn't my fault, I have slowly with other people and lots of time taken what was broken and put it back together day by day.  Because of my own experience I have looked further into this across the board and many of my friends have been raped or sexually abused there are thousands of people who live in the cell in there head because they have never healed and this really distorts life and love. But we also live in a world were it is not easy to know were to turn or who to turn to. So I have been open with my own experience and have found I have been able to help others find help. Seeing the big picture though I realized its not easy to find help which is a problem, if you need help it should be easy to find not hard. So I spoke to my assistant about creating this so that we can make help easy to find.

Within this is people who are there to help you, people who wont tell anyone who wont judge you and who won't try to control you who won't think your crazy and you can tell them things and they can help you heal. These people do this all the time they understand the way we feel they understand why we keep doing things to harm ourselves they understand and they are there. Chances are you can find free therapy in your area, and I highly encourage anyone who has been raped or sexually abused to take a chance pick up a phone and go. It wont be easy but if you fight through the battle in your mind trying to stop you from going and if you give it time and a chance much of the pain fear depression and low self esteem may be lifted and trust me life is so much better when your head isn't full of tapes showing me everything bad with my past or wrong with myself or fear of the world. The therapist will be able to help you find your own path to heal, and they will be able to help you find books, resources, and guides to help lead you back to yourself and can be there to help you face the fear the pain and the loss you feel.

I am in new york if I could I would be there to sit outside and wait for you and make sure you went and your ok but I can't I am not omnipresent, but I can give you this and encourage you to use it and share it send it to people tell people if you know someone who has been raped or sexually abused maybe you can help lead them to the door.

There are 1500 doors here and I can lead you to them, I can't make you open them or go in them, but I have brought them to you and now its your choice. The doors wont go away but on the other side may be  guides who can help you grow and heal and reach your full potential We only have one life to live and living it dead is no way to live. There are a few books that help alot along the way as well one is the ARTIST WAY which is really good because art and music therapy help in massive ways, then there is FIT for LIFE which can help with healthy eating habits and living well and balanced, then there is the The Courage to Heal which is an amazing book that helped me in a massive way. My life is so different now and its so much better because I am out of the cell most of the time and feel free. The path has its struggles healing takes time and it will be a battle but its YOUR LIFE your fighting for and that is all you will ever really have.

If you have questions or need help you can email me here and good luck on the trip.......... Jillian ( lostmodel@aol.com)