i worked everyday all day for a year i didnt stop i knew how much it would take to buy the things i needed the keyboard the mics the turntables speakers building a studio isnt cheap and being 18 with no credit and no rich family and not being the type to like control i went out and i sacrificed myself . i knew i wanted to move to new York knew i didn't want to move in with anyone i knew i wanted out of the past out of the old world i had a vision i might say. there where days when i would cry many of them because i didn't want to be working I wanted to be curled up in my headphones creating but i knew that the gift mattered more then other things. because sure i could have slept with someone and gotten things or sold my creative talents and been a dark Brittany spears, but the greatest fear to me was being owned being controlled by people by this world. i knew the only way anyone could control me is if i needed them and if i took from them it was like being a baby on a bottle.

but then i was 19 i was living in Brooklyn in a huge loft and i had my keyboard my turn tables my mic. and then  i started healing because i had been so busy working and surviving i could heal. then david came to new york and because of people like Brian s pushing our buttons we created beta. beta was my transformation, beta was me discovering myself, beta was my soul starting to come out of the shell. beta was me crying like a baby on the floor while writing "lost" beta was me remembering jillian and my dreams. beta was painful becuase there was so much more i wanted to give but i was fighting away memories and ripping away strings from my past that were still eating at my energy.

beta was funded by Alex n i dont think he knew it. he gave me the money for another project which never happened because as i was doing beta and this other project i came to see what i wanted to do with my life. beta was what showed me the path because the world told me to do something else. the world said wait music will be there latter the world said sell your body make money. i learned how to live on pennies and how to get by with little to no money. i made a complete break from my past ways. and then i was broke i have been broke for almost a year now and still haven't ended up on the street because things fall out of heaven. needless to say we finished beta and as David and i always do we went our separate ways because to minds are better then one and in order to grow we have to part. someone came into my life who kept me from falling back because after David left they came out of the dark and tried to drag me in. this person pushed me to see the truth in me in my dreams in what i could do. i grew i learned i cried i had to fight because i was once again fighting the things that tell me to stop to die to give up.

i had the chance to go to milan for modeling. i had never been. i didnt know why i was going but i knew i was going. now i know why. God took me away from New York. Away from all the thins in my past. away from the world and threw me into another. where i had no one and nothing and had to learn to trust him.because he was all i had. i got there and things started to change because each day i saw the truth more and more. because i learned that the gift is given to give. and that is all that matters.

money isn't real

fame is nothing

record deals aren't needed

the only thing that matters is

the gift

to give

so while in Milan things changed. i was moved and made a phone call. the next thing i know i had 100 cds. and then i made the decisions not to leave until i had given those to a 100 people.  it wasent about anything now except giving, except reaching out into the cold. and so i learned how to be Jillian again I learned what made me dream I learned why I exsist. I found my purpose in life. it is to give to create to give and not to worry about anything except that. money will come the right people will come the doors will be opened i cant worry because it is all taken care of.

so when i was in Florence

i cried

not out of pain but out of sheer amazement

because it shouldn't have been my life shouldn't have been i should not have made it here. but i am and so therefore life is beautiful and now it all starts over again

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