ZEN BABY:¬Ý SAYING NO
Pressure to conform, pressure to perform, pressure from the media, pressure from the people around us.¬Ý I remember the first time pressure pushed me over. I was young and it was my best friend putting pressure on me to play games of truth and dare.¬Ý I remember feeling like I would be uncool if I didn't play; feeling like if I didn't do what she said, she wouldn't be my friend. I wanted to be her friend and so when she would push me, I would bend.
I never liked bending, but I thought it was normal. I was told that if I didn't do it, I was the "weird one." I was told that if I didn't do it, I "wouldn't be cool." Being young and naˆØve, I believed her.
However, developing a sense of self takes along time. Sometimes, if we were abused or pushed to do things at an early age by an abusive parent or sibling or friend or friend of a friend, we begin to believe that it is normal not to say "no" or we learn that saying no is followed by the loss of a friend or the loss of love.¬Ý Or, we learn that saying "no" can result in physical mental or emotional abuse.¬Ý If someone is abused as a child, later in life, if they are confronted with a situation where someone pushes them to do something they really don't want to do, many times they bend and give in because of their past experiences.¬Ý Even though they are no longer young children, they still believe that it will be easier just to do what the other person wants than to stand up and try to fight and risk losing a friend or worse.
Saying no is harder in a world that seems to punish individuality and supports the concept of people all being the same. The peer pressure to be like everyone else is not a slight or insignificant factor in the face of statistics that show how many adults drink, smoke, eat unhealthy food, believe that spirituality is irrelevant, believe that sex without love is good, and think that shopping is the best way to spend one's free time.
We live in a culture where if we don't fit in with the cool kids, then we will often be pushed aside and called a geek, freak, or any of a million other derogatory names. The fear of being an outcast or looked down upon is fed by the constant stream of media that is flooding our homes, bus stops, restaurants, gas stations and just about every street corner.¬Ý The message received is that unless you are like the "cool kids," you won't be loved.
Love is now confused with sex.¬Ý Most young adults believe the message that unless you are sexually attractive, sexually active and sexually involved, love doesn't exist. This message is what has been fed to us by the media, the cool kids and the modern day idols of the current culture. The sad part about this message is that there is really no counter-message. There are so many children and young adults coming from divorced, destroyed and deconstructed families that their vision of what real love is has no other place to really focus except on what they are seeing the most which, sadly, is the TV, movies and the projection of love from the music industry.
Because the music, movie and television industries are about money and not integrity, as the time progresses, they had to dive lower and lower to keep their audiences. The birth of the internet and the popularity of pornography there has caused an increased amount of focus to be placed on sex, making it the primary or only focus in the majority of movies, music and television that is currently targeted to the masses of American children. Thus, when parents and teachers tell children it is okay to say no to sex, drugs, smoking and drinking, the children laugh and ignore them for the most part.¬Ý The messages from their parents and teachers typically are not the¬Ý "cool kids," "the cool thing," or the "popular thing."¬Ý Today, what is cool and what is popular is controlled by the media, the music, movies and TV. Very little else has an impact on our culture any more which is both tragic and a reality.
Teachers, parents, preachers, priests and other spiritual teachers have to compete with Britney Spears and 50 Cent.¬Ý Last time I checked, which is about as often as when I go out of my house, children¬Ý were not running to the stores to buy The Bible or the teachings of Buddha. Rather, they are running to buy the newest and hottest video game, cd or movie.
Needless to say, trying to compete with beautiful, airbrushed, plastic, perfect role models who ride in limos, have beautiful people flocking to them everywhere they go, live in big houses with amazing toys, have "everything" in a material sense is next to impossible.¬Ý And to try to pry their eyes away from the current pop idols will not be easy to do.
I grew up isolated from many of these things because my mother kept me out of school and away from the TV.¬Ý She was super protective over me.¬Ý As a result, I have a sense of things that are not viewed as normal. I can't watch a movie that shows graphic killing or violence because I get sick inside. I can't see people making sex nothing more than a game without feeling a sense of sorrow, not because I believe sex is bad but, quite the opposite -- because I value sex so much. I believe that it sex is one of the most amazing and positive things in the world if it's used for love and bonding and not for use and instant gratification on a purely physical level.
Growing up, I was the child who said I would never do drugs, I would wait to have sex till I found the person I loved, and I would live for truth and integrity.¬Ý But then I started venturing out of the cocoon my parents raised me in and went into the real world.¬Ý That's when everything changed. I had been so protected and kept so far away from the real world that I never learned how to defend myself from other kids. At home, I was told what to do and if I didn't do it, typically, it resulted in punishment.¬Ý I didn't learn a lot about boundaries because at home it was simple - "do what we say, or else!"¬Ý So, when I entered the real world, I didn't understand that I wasn't supposed to do what everyone said.
Because of church, I was taught there was good and evil, right and wrong.¬Ý I listened and then I started questioning what good and evil was. My mother told me masturbation would make me go blind because it was evil, so I decided to see if it was true. I would masturbate all the time and I never went blind. This made me angry because I had been lied to and if they lied to me about that, then I wondered what else they lied to me about.
My perception of truth was distorted. It didn't take much to make a perspective change when you don't have years of experience to prove it. I began to doubt the truth of what I was told by my parents and also by the church. I didn't believe anything was true, so I decided that I would have to find out for myself by experience.¬Ý I refused to just accept truth and I didn't know who or what to trust - my parents? my church? my friends? my TV? Children who have been lied to and/or been abused by their parents, church and/or religious leaders often feel the same disillusionment and confusion that I felt.
Once you lose your ability to trust your parents and your religious and spiritual leaders, once you have lost your faith in them, it becomes even more important to be loved and to feel like you fit in within other circles and among your peers. If your ability to trust those who are supposed to be the safest is shattered due to lies, abuse or just human nature, the instant reaction is to look somewhere else.
A large amount of the youth and my generation seem to have been either damaged by their religious and spiritual leaders or their parents. This causes people typically to feel confused about the whole truth situation and if you don't have a concept of truth, if all you believe was true is destroyed by those who teach it as truth, then it becomes even more difficult to say no.
Why say "no"?¬Ý If I say no, then I wont be cool and no one will want to be my friend, so I have to say "yes," even if I don't want to say yes.¬Ý You say "yes" because you're afraid that if you say "no," you will be rejected or worse.
So, back to the story.¬Ý Truth had lost its visibility, so by the time I was old enough to touch a computer, it had become relatively clear to me that there was no real truth.¬Ý I was hearing so many different versions and I didn't believe anything anymore. But I wanted to learn the truth, so I began to follow my heart and I followed my intuition on what truth was.
It began to get tested.¬Ý It started with small things like lying to my parents who told me not to play with certain kids. I didn't see why I shouldn't play with them, so I would play with them anyway and then I would lie to my parents about where I had been. As I started to say earlier, my first best friend liked playing games. I now understand that the games were far from harmless.¬Ý She had been abused and her way of coping was to play games that reenacted the abuse. She told me they were just games and that "all the kids played" and that "there was nothing wrong with it." Now, since I had no concept of truth, I believed her just as much as I believed anything else.¬Ý I let her play the games. I always felt kind of sick to my stomach from them, but I ignored it and kept telling myself¬Ý "it was normal" and that "all the kids did it." I allowed her to tell me what to do and I got wrapped up in some dark, twisted stuff the whole time. I kept telling myself it was "normal" and I also kept reminding myself that if I didn't do it, she wouldn't be my friend. Then, one day she burned me with a candle during one of the games. I was shocked and upset.¬Ý All of a sudden nothing could convince me that it was ok. I ran out crying and then she came and tried to tell me I was being a "baby" and it was all okay .¬Ý I looked at her and said "No, it's not.¬Ý You hurt me". From there on out I stopped playing games and soon enough she stopped being my friend. To me, I walked away feeling like if I didn't do what people said, they wouldn't be my friends. I never told anyone because it was too personal and so I just started to believe that saying no meant being rejected.
Soon, I started hanging out with a group of kids who now would be seen as the trouble makers. I found kids who didn't care what anyone thought and they tended to be more honest -- at least with each other. They didn't care what the teachers or the preachers thought.¬Ý They didn't care what the world thought.¬Ý But, because they needed and maybe loved each other and they were all disillusioned by the world, they tended to be more honest with me. They already thought they were bad or sinners or outcast, so they didn't have to pretend to be good.¬Ý Looking back now, most of these kids were all rebels and all had the same perspective -- that truth was something that you learned.
Alcohol and drugs are a large pastime for a very large amount of people in America and other cultures. Most kids start experimenting with alcohol and drugs when they are in their early teens (and sometimes earlier depending on their background). Most of us are raised by parents and teachers who tell us not to do it and that it's bad, but they never tell us from a place of experience.¬Ý Most teachers and preachers don't tell us their personal experiences with drugs and why they think they are not good.¬Ý Instead they just say that they are not good and that we just shouldn't do them. This works when you're a small child, but by the time you reach your teens, you want to know why.¬Ý This is completely natural and part of finding your identity. For me ,I didn't really want to do drugs or drink, but they told me it was good and they told me it was cool and then everyone else was doing it.¬Ý I didn't want to be left out so to speak, so I began to do it too.
The first time I did it I felt dizzy, out of control and sick, but I was told I was supposed to feel this way and it was a good thing, so I learned how to believe that it felt good. I began to do it more and more because of peer pressure and because that was what we did.¬Ý We would all get together and get drunk or high and talk and even though we didn't remember what we did most of the time and didn't do more than listen to music, make out get stoned or high, to me, it was fun just because they told me it was fun.
I remember feeling like I was losing something -- losing perspective, losing clarity, losing a sense of self. I felt like all reality was being distorted, which is true, and I felt that I was slipping. I watched as my friends claimed to be having fun, but they would end up arrested, in jail or having car wrecks. Relationships would splinter because people would do things when they were high without thinking about it. One day my current boyfriend and I were all drinking together and I looked over and he was kissing my best friend. My heart was broken and I went running away.¬Ý They each later said they were sorry and I forgave them, but I never wanted to be high with them again because I felt like the drugs made everyone forget to really respect each other. However, all of my friends were doing it and I was afraid to say no because then I wouldn't be like them and I felt that they would not want to be around me.
Rather than finding new friends, I continued to do it even though deep down I didn't really want to. Soon it became a lifestyle and because of that, I began to want to do it and it became a habit.¬Ý Then, I became the one who was saying it was cool and getting other people to get high or drunk with me. I wanted to share the experience, to share the love, to share the high.
I started modeling and doing fashion shows and shoots so there was always coke and alcohol around. People knew I liked to party so they would offer me drinks and drugs even though I was only 17. I didn't want to be uncool in the modeling world and all the cool models were drinking and doing drugs.¬Ý I would be backstage in the bathroom with the top models doing lines and drinking. I didn't do it because I thought it was cool. I did it because I believed it was the cool thing to do. Believing it was cool made it easier for me to do it.¬Ý I didn't like the headaches or the come down, and it made me feel a bit disconnected from reality, but it also made reality seem disconnected which was a good thing at the time because life for me then was a bit complicated.
The people we hang around influence us very much, but their influence is even greater if we don't have a sense of self.¬Ý It's hard to develop a sense of self in a culture where we are taught to be like everyone else or risk being seen as "uncool."¬Ý I could spend all day talking about all of the times I did something because I thought it was cool and/or because I thought I had to do it to fit in.¬Ý We all have these stories and memories of doing things we believed we had to do in order to be accepted, but, rather than focusing on that, let's focus on why saying no is not only healthy, but is actually a positive thing.¬Ý I also want to talk about how to know what you really want to do.
To me, there are some universal truths which are the same in all religions.¬Ý They just make logical and scientific sense. Some of these logical ideas are things like lying is harmful; hate is harmful; anger that is misdirected is harmful; using people is harmful; sex without love is harmful to the emotional state; drugs can be harmful; alcohol used improperly can be harmful; etc.¬Ý Basically, everything can be harmful if used out of the proper context. Sex, drugs and alcohol all have their place and are amazing things if they are where they need to be.¬Ý The question then is understanding where they are needed to be.¬Ý It's a relatively simple answer -- the easiest way to figure out where something should be is first to look at where it shouldn't be.
Most of the things we are pressured into doing are not bad things.¬Ý Rather, they are more like being the wrong thing at the wrong time. I don't believe that sex is bad at all, but I believe having sex with someone because you're pressured to have sex takes away the joy and pleasure from it and distorts the beauty of it because then it is no longer a gift two people are giving each other as much as it is one person taking something from the other. Many people are pressured into getting physical by their peers as well as their culture sooner than when they are ready for it or want to be. This is one area I feel we all need to take back and really base it on how we really feel about a situation as opposed to just reacting to being pressured. The only way to know how we really feel is to listen to ourselves and by not listening to the people trying to pressure us into not listening to ourselves.¬Ý Our culture tries to conform us when we really should be listening to our hearts and souls. Our soul and our spiritual side connect to the door that opens us to the eternal truth, but in order to open that door, we must seek it. The truth, which has been passed down for centuries and generations, has been that sex without love and commitment will break your heart and, over time, turn your soul numb. The universal truth is that sex should be an expression of love and not be used to try to earn love. So, when you are in a situation and you feel pressured, that's the best time to walk away and spend a few days away from the person or the situation and try to figure out how you really feel and if you really want to be involved. This isn't always easy to do, but in the long run, it's better to do it before you get all tied up and wrapped up in someone than after six months or a year and then have all these emotional and spiritual strings tied together. If you have already lost your virginity and/or have lost the value of sex and don't believe that you're worth waiting for or worth making sure someone really loves you before having sex, it's still not too late to change.¬Ý You can always start again; you can always start over; and you can always take back what you have given. We are all entitled to be loved and be cared for in a deep and honest way and the only way to reach those places usually is to fuse the emotional, spiritual, mental and then the physical elements. If you fuse the physical without a base of love and trust, the chance of it enduring is very slim and usually doesn't happen. Many people in today's culture act more like animals than humans.¬Ý They are hunting for prey and people have become nothing more than objects to use and suck energy from. This exchange of energy though isn't healthy and, in the long run, will leave your soul feeling very disconnected and broken.
Alcohol and drugs is another big peer pressure point in today's culture.¬Ý Drinking is not a bad thing per se, but you need to understand that alcohol removes your natural walls and boundaries and often makes having sex with people or doing other things that normally you wouldn't do easier. This is because it takes your clarity down a few notches.¬Ý For me, I have found that when I used to drink a lot, I would end up in situations I would never end up in if I stayed sober.¬Ý So I stooped drinking for a long time and then I gradually began to drink a bit of wine at dinner. Now I keep alcohol as something that I share with lovers or other people I really trust and am already connected to in a real way. I also don't like being drunk. I like to drink and I like to feel good, but I have had seen too many crazy things when I was drunk and hanging around other really drunk people. We all have boundaries, but alcohol should be something you understand and you should know how it will affect you. I highly recommend learning how you react to alcohol and how you change on it before drinking with strangers or people you don't know very well. If you're going to drink, I would advise drinking with people who you trust and who won't try to take advantage of you.¬Ý You really should know how to handle yourself when you're intoxicated. Also, it's never a good idea to go out and drink alone because this usually leads to sleeping with a stranger. I believe drinking is something that when done with a bunch of friends in a celebration or over food can be a very healthy and pleasurable experience. The negative side is that when you don't know your comfort level or boundaries, and you let people force you or pressure you into drinking more than you want.¬Ý Then you will be hurting your own self respect.
Drugs are something that I believe that is like playing Russian Roulette.¬Ý Most people who do hard drugs find that it messes up their lives and ability to be fully whole and healthy.¬Ý This is not always the case, but it is more often than not. Drugs alter your mind forever.¬Ý My mind is always going to be a bit off because of the drugs I did at a young age. I have spent years trying to undo the damage I did when I did lots of hard drugs when I was younger. With regard to drugs, it is hard not to succumb to peer pressure and once you start doing drugs, it is very difficult to stop doing them because most of the drug culture revolves around drugs.¬Ý It becomes a way of life and although some people can do drugs here and there, many people struggle with keeping it to a rare thing. Doing drugs will effect your life forever and once you do them, it's very hard to go back. You can, but it's like having sex -- once it's done, trying to stop doing it becomes very difficult because it is pleasurable in the moment.¬Ý However, just as sex without love has its consequences, drugs also have consequences. When people try to pressure you to do something like drugs, take a moment and think about why? Usually, people are trying to make you be like them because they are really insecure.¬Ý It's also a way for them to control you.¬Ý It becomes a power game for them.¬Ý If you follow them and do what they say, then you are feeding their energy.
Love doesn't try to make you do something that may not be good for you. Love accepts you as you are and doesn't try to change you.¬Ý Love doesn't need to feed off of your energy because you're doing what they want you to do.¬Ý Love doesn't need to win you over or get your approval.¬Ý Love gives without asking in return. You will never find love by trying to conform to what everyone else wants you to do. The reason most of us lose ourselves is because we believe that it is the only way to get love.¬Ý It is the message that the media and the churches are feeding us, and this is sad because it's the message we have been taught to believe.
But it's a distortion of the truth.¬Ý Real love is unconditional.¬Ý Real love is about giving and loving and not expecting anything in return. Many of us have never experienced this kind of love and so it's very hard to know what is real love. To start to understand this love, we must first begin to love ourselves and to really listen to ourselves.¬Ý We all have that small voice inside that is our soul which longs for truth and love. We need to begin by not trying to tell the voice to do it even if it doesn't want to listen.¬Ý We need to start loving ourselves.¬Ý And we need to start respecting ourselves. To do this, we need to really question what we want in our lives.¬Ý Do we want love? If so, then why are we forced into having sex without love?¬Ý Do we want to avoid drugs or alcohol?¬Ý Then why do we do use them?¬Ý¬Ý If it is because deep down we want acceptance and love, then it's the wrong reason to have sex or to drink or to do drugs because we will never find love that way.
First, we must love ourselves and in order to love ourselves, we must know ourselves.¬Ý This means we need to unplug our minds and hearts long enough each day to hear ourselves and to listen to the soul inside of us.
Another massive area of peer pressure relates to our work.¬Ý Do you want to be an artist but your parents said you need to be a lawyer? Do you want to be a lawyer but you're really an artist who became lawyer because you were pressured? We all have a calling and a purpose and that calling and purpose have been imbedded in our hearts.¬Ý Deep down, we all know or have an idea of what we want to do with our lives and we know that if we follow our heart, then we will always be happy. Following everyone else though makes us lose our sense of self and lose our individuality.¬Ý Then, we feel empty.
Following our heart takes courage and faith.¬Ý However, courage and faith aren't easy in a world that is rapidly becoming void of both. If we don't believe in ourselves, how can we believe in anything else? And how can we believe in ourselves if we don't believe we were created and that we exist for a purpose?¬Ý Religion has distorted the message.¬Ý I believe the message that we were supposed to be taught was that we were created to be individuals and that our creator had a plan for each of us if we listen and follow the plan that our Creator has already laid out on the path before we walk on it. I believe that our Creator loves us and cares for us and wants to see all of us reach our full potential. I do not believe that our Creator wanted us to all be the same and sing the same songs and walk the same walk.
But I also believe that if you come to connect with the love that comes from the divine and the creator, and that you look there for your love first and foremost, then it will be easier to not need to conform to the way everyone else is. Think of it like this -- if the CEO of the universe and the creator of the world loves you and accepts you just as you are, then why do you need to change to earn the love of anyone else? If you can connect to that and grasp the concept that you are already loved and accepted, and if you ask you will be given what you need, and if you believe the dreams will become reality, then why would you need to do what everyone else tells you?
The problem is that religion has turned the Creator into a rule maker which, as far as I¬Ý can tell, is not the point. The Creator left us instructions and those instructions basically say don't harm yourself or anyone else because it causes pain, and if you do, say you're sorry, forgive each other and continue to love. This way of life makes it easier not to lose yourself, but if you try to follow rules, not follow your heart, it is like trying to fight a battle you can never win because we are living in a place were none of us will ever be able to be perfect.
Knowing yourself means you need to spend time alone -- away from computers and phones and emails and TVs.¬Ý Writing a journal helps and so does going to books stores and just browsing.¬Ý There are great self discovery books like The Artist Way and these also help. Going out into nature for long periods of time helps and so does checking out books on boundaries. Spending time with different types of people helps as well.¬Ý
In conclusion, whenever you feel uncomfortable or that something's not right, examine your feeling and see if there is something that needs to be changed. Don't be afraid to say no or that you don't want to do something. Don't be afraid to be different and go against the crowd.¬Ý Don't be afraid to follow your heart. You were created with a plan and a purpose and we are all different.¬Ý No one of us is like another. I will never be like you and you will never be like me.¬Ý Respecting yourself is the first step to loving yourself and once you respect and love yourself, then when you love other people, it will be based on giving and not taking. It will be based on loving and not controlling.¬Ý Find yourself, know yourself, and don't be afraid to protect yourself.¬Ý You are uniquely and wonderfully made, a prize to be won and a beautiful and wonderful creation.¬Ý You are worth more than gold and silver and no one and nothing can take that away from you.