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Hotel Room Diaries = Nightmares and intentions 1

Hotel Room Diaries = Nightmares and intentions

Everything seems perfect beautiful room, beautiful friends, beautiful conversations, over amazing port wines in a beautiful place. I soak in a long bath work on music and fall asleep, I wake up around three am with my heart pounding,  and lots of things passing through, I try to count sheep, I try to go back to sleep, I eventually take 10 more milligrams of melatonin and another 950 milligrams of valerian root , to attempt to shut off the signal to shut off the energy so I can sleep…

Enter dreamlandia a world which last night despite my beautiful reality was dark in my dreams I saw things, I felt things, but I could do nothing, except accept things, allow things to unfold as they may all around me, watching things unfold which on some deep level caused me to feel a sense of sadness a deep sadness one I know well one I have spent a lifetime working with one that I feel almost infects all of us to some degree until we make a stand to overcome it…

In my dreams I couldn’t tell if i was dreaming or awake slipping between worlds between times between countries between worlds, in the dream I dug into why it felt dark in the morning I woke up and went for a walk.

The snow covered mountains became my backdrop the icey cold air awoke my dream like mind due to a overdose of herbs in attempts to turn my mind off,

What makes something poison for our spirits? why do things hurt ? what is real? what is my projections? what is fear? what is the truth? what takes an act that can be healing and turn it into harming…

I reflected on this…

The only difference between sexual abuse assault and or harm and making love is the intention…..
The act is the same, but it is the intention behind it, the motivation behind it, the care and concern for another above yourself that makes the difference between harmful and healing, loving and selfish

Why do we do what we do? why do I want to sleep with someone? why do I want to consume wine? why do I want your energy or to share energy?

This is not a new subject for me,  its one I have spent years reflecting observing practicing and falling face down over…..

Once there was someone I was so attracted to the thought of not being with them was as if someone ripped out my heart and left me alone empty, I realized this was about as unhealthy as it could get because my attraction to them had nothing to do with loving them, but rather they were a photo copy of a pattern one that involved a part of me that got so hurt I was trying to fix my past through someone else, my attraction to them was to a energy that they carried that mixed with a energy I carried would mainfest a pattern which controlled me worse then any drug this pattern was a imprint that had been made when I was young this pattern had to do with me trying to earn, fix, save, heal, be good enough, deserve love, and so I was attracted to someone who recreated the pattern of me always chasing something I could never find, but yet it was stronger then any drug, any need, any healthy desire.

When I realized I had to break this or else it would control me for the rest of my life I took some extreme measures, to become aware, to become present to really question my intention on why I wanted to be with someone, to be in a relationship, to sleep with someone, and if when I really tore it apart and reduced it to the core honestly it was the pattern or anything close I would end it. no matter how much I wanted to be with someone, no matter how much I felt like I needed them…

The moment it became a desperate need for that energy exchange I knew I was back in the pattern, it wasn’t love it was my wound talking to there wound, my poison attracting their poison so together we could initially feel like we were in love, but the truth was we were just re playing a role, re creating a imprint,

I realized the ONLY way to know the difference between the attraction I felt from the poison and the attraction I felt because it was healthy and loving was time and space and awareness…

If it was the poison I would feel huge energetic drops the moment they left, the need would overwhelm everything else including my own health, balance, and work, it would be like a addiction one I couldn’t say no to, if I found myself making boundaries and breaking them in some desperate attempt to connect I knew there was more going on. I also found if its the poison causing the attraction if you don’t act on it, but give it around a year to just be without indulging in blending energy fields it will become very clear if its healthy or if its based on repeating patterns that keep us stuck in energetic cycles that often lead to nuclear explosions and heart breaks…

If it was healthy

I may never feel the need so intensely     I would destroy my own boundaries over it, usually it felt stable, balanced, safe, easy, peaceful,  that vibration was hard to adjust to I was used to be attracted to people who recreated the pattern, who would leave, who were not fully present, who didn’t even know me really, much love me, but yet it felt like LOVE for a few months till the reality sunk in and I realized they were not lifting me up but I was on a roller coaster that was dropping me down more and more because of the constant distraction it provided my heart and mind from actually doing the work and or accomplishing anything but healthy…

Healthy sometimes felt boring, but I realized I have a choice now

Healthy allows me to focus my energy on creating, on doing the work, on evolving, on expanding, on growing rather then constantly working to keep my head above water because overtime the pattern is recreated it drops me ten thousand feet into the depths of the ocean and leaves me there…..until i swim back to shore…..

and it requires me to stand back
to pull away
to pull in
to pull back

and really look into my own intention
into my own choices
into my own heart

if I am not present, If I am not connected
if there is no peace
then I have to really seek why I am doing it, and if I am doing it out of the intention to love and grow or the intention of trying to fix something in my past…

I know I cant go back through someone else to heal a situation with another person from a long time ago
just like I know I cant find my father through a lover
or heal the wounds from rape from allowing someone to use me in a similar way to ease the pain for a moment….

and so the only difference between what becomes poison and what becomes healing is intention
not only regarding oneself but also the other

love puts anothers needs ahead of desires and wants

abuse is a extreme of not caring about another more then your own desire

rape is the extreme of that on steroids when someone cares nothing for the one they are taking from

but that energy can be subtle and its sneaky….and so often it takes time and space to really see whats going on

without that its easy to repeat patterns unaware

and now back to the snow

Posted on: 01-11-2012
Posted in: Advocacy, Blog

The Visitor 1

He sat down across from me

This is serious .. I said as I looked at his face
hidden in the night under the blackened sky
“yes it is” I know or else you wouldn’t have come
to visit me …

On the table in front of me he laid out
my entire life, the tools I had gathered
the things I had learned, the gifts I had
been given I saw the pieces as they
were laid out one by one…

Do you see the board ?
Yes ,
Do you understand the game?
I believe so …
Then how do you play ? to win or lose ?
neither, you just play
Correct for if you limit the game if you perceive
something as winning or losing you therefore
limit the game and yourself….

Example…
Remember when you were drugged, kidnapped,raped
yes.. was that winning or losing
neither, for what i learned helped me more then the momentary pain
when you were at the height of your musical career and the project
dissolved was that winning or losing
neither for without that I would never had opened the doors which
created these future opportunities
When you fell in love and thought they were the one and then they were gone
neither for without the lose I would have never loved this person who taught me
this ..

He drew a line across the board…
Now what are you going to do….

I looked at the board with all of the pieces
all of the gifts with a map of the world
a map of dreams a map of possibilities

We are going to raise the stakes now
everything in on the board
your entire life, all your dreams, everyone you love and loved
Your pride, your fear, your insecurities, your shadows, your past,
the things that hurt you the most and the things that you fear the most
they are all on the board..

I looked at him… so if you came then you came to show me
something I don’t already know

The silence drew in as the sun started to rise

Your next move means risking everything you are and have been
for in order for you to move forward you must take all the things
you fear, everything that hurt you, every memory, every trauma,
every secret, every doubt, every thing people use against you,
everything you believed, every insecurity every self doubt, all the
things that hold you back and place them on the board
anything your still keeping inside you most now take out
and use it, use all of it, and fear none of it, or else it will prevent you
from playing with your whole being…

If you play with any less then every ounce of energy then you ….

“aren’t really playing”

I am just watching then as other play, and i become like the
pieces on the board…

he looked out as the sun started to crack over the city

You can run away now and he turned toward the rising sun..

I looked at him, but if I run then I may as well end this game
once and for all,

But if you stay you have to risk everything or else
your not actually playing

I know…

Do you understand the risk if you continue to play ?

I looked out a thousand things flashed inside of my third eye

yes.. I understand what I am risking, I understand it may not be the easiest
thing to do, but yet to run despite my fears, despite my doubts, would be to never really live…

It would be to live as many live, to wake up to do things you don’t even understand why you do them, to believe things you don’t even understand why to believe, to secretly never feel loved, to secretly never feel ok, then to end up trying to numb the never ending hunting inside that says something is wrong with pills, or drugs, or some distraction, and to live always distracting yourself from yourself because you ran from yourself and you never played you were always but a piece being played is to never really live and I would rather end the game and move out of this world and body into another… I see them everywhere there not here, there somewhere else, and if I ask them things they look away, their eyes glass over I feel their hearts push out, and then they say… everything is ok…. as they then turn and go back into the machine, plug in , distract and silence the voice inside…

I don’t want to live like that …

So Yes I understand the risk, I understand the cliff I understand the fall, I understand the pain, I understand the great heights and depths I may have to travel and yet even though part of me wants to run, I know

there is nowhere to run, so I either play or am played and I already put everything on the board

my love
my heart
my money
my pride
my time
my family
my ego
my body
my soul
my life…

he looked at me….

fine then be prepared to play with everything you are and everything you can become and never look back and never let yourself doubt your dreams and never forget why you play

ahhhhh

Thats the hard part, thats the trick, for in this world in this town they teach you to play for money, for love, for fame, for power, but that can’t be the reason you play or you’ll never really play, for when you have something to lose you can’t give your all and so only when you have nothing to lose or win can you ever really play…

very few really play you have seen them they are forever remembered for when they play and how they play can change the game

He looked away

Are you still going to play….?

Yes…

Why are you going to play ?

For the things I never speak about

But i know and you know

the city closed in….

The time is now

I know

So go and play

Play till your light leaves your body
Till the sun fails to rise
Till there is nothing left
play with all of your
mind body and heart
play for the things
you don’t speak about
……..

He drew a line

Remember why you play
Remember to play
and Remember never to forget
the one rule that overcomes all the others
there is only one way to really play
and that is by playing
willing to lose everything
willing to give everything
willing to walk with nothing

I looked up…

what would the world be like
if everyone knew
you couldn’t win
you couldn’t lose
you can only really play?

what if the whole world knew
you cant lose love
you cant lose things
you cant own love
you cant own things

what if the whole world remembered
who we are
who we can be
who we would become
if we could see the truth

but the truth was lost
in a game others created
with rules to rule
in fear and doubt
but there is no fear
when there is nothing to lose

I looked at the fading stars
I am part of that
I looked at the rising sun
I am part of that
I looked at the sky
I am part of that
and when I leave this body
I got back to that
and I cannot carry
anything but light

so now…..

I chose to play

……
Then it was over
he was gone
and I remembered everything
as if it was a dream

Posted on: 12-26-2011
Posted in: Journal

protest – blue notes – from the <3 0

protest

I need to write I understand what I am about to write about may not all be sunshine and hearts but its real and I feel I need to do something with it because keeping it all inside is starting to burst at the seems…

I understand nothing has changed we are in the same cycle as before, but what I am seeing and have experienced in this area causes me concern. I lost my best friend shortly after the patriot act was passed he was framed arrested and killed before i could do anything about it . I saw up close and personally what happens when someone is “marked” or “put on the list” he was a artist and activist he was nothing more he wasn’t a threat to anyone or anything the only thing he did wrong was have an opinion .

A week before he was killed I had a dream it was the most intense dream I ever had something came into my dream it was half human half droid it shot me in the arm with something and said you will be silenced, and then I woke up, but when I woke up I couldn’t stay conscious I kept passing out, eventually it passed exactly a week later my best friend who was the one person I talked to everyday was gone…

I stayed away from politics ever since, there was much I wanted to say and express, for having your best friend and family taken away when they were innocent by some strange silent in the night stranger is enough to make you think twice. Since then I have been aware we all die, and death isn’t the end so I am not afraid of it, but to say I don’t have a hard time with some of the things going on in this world would be a lie.

I have a hard time with people being killed for no reason other then maybe disagreeing, i have a hard time with religions who outcast others due to what they believe, I have a hard time with people who say they love you unconditionally but then when you don’t follow there system cut you off, its challenging to process it all sometimes and to try to find an understanding on why people behave in such a way….

to kill anyone is a thought that makes me sad, I feel bad for letting someone down, much less to actually hurt someone, but to kill someone for not reason other then them disagreeing and yet we do it all the time…our country does it, we do it in our thoughts, we do it over religion, sex, color, class, the separation and division fueled by fear keeps us stuck in this cycle one that I feel if we don’t break will just lead humanity through the same rising and falling we have experienced so many times….

I went to the protest, because my friends were there and I live down the street, and what I saw left me with the feeling I had before 911 the feeling I had before the earthquake in Japan, the feeling that something is happening here which will lead to an energetic shift which if not met with an equal one of love hope art and alternative paths could tip a very delicate balance thats already on edge over…….

Watching the police state versus the people I felt a deep sadness, to see the police without emotion, as if their hearts had been trained out of them, to see most of the protesters be peaceful but others full of anger, from years of suppression and pain, to see them face to face was like being at the center of a battle field, and the only thing i knew how to do was to walk in-between the police and the protesters doing everything I could to prevent that one strike which could have set the whole thing mad. The air was as thick as a knife, as the police pushed everyone out and then away, and I already know what will happen next, at the next protest there will be more police, and more will be filed and put in jail, if anyone starts anything violent it will turn mad, and sadly with the intensity this world is going through I feel its only time before it gets worse… unless we do something to shift it….

how can we fix it ? how can we end the violence ? how can we not all be but pawns in some other persons game ?

i don’t want to lose another friend to that energy,

I feel personally even though I care about whats going on out there and it breaks my heart to see and be aware of many of the injustices in our world that the best thing I can do is focus on art and music and finding solutions to help resolve some of the suffering….

To help find ways to connect the dots so more people can eat, more people can survive, more people can feel loved and happy, in hopes that by mending and melting enough hearts eventually war will no longer be needed…

and so I work …in this attempt to use everything I have an am to try to turn just one heart away from that energy, from becoming willing

to stand and look another human in the eye

and not feel

and not see

and not connect

to the heart and soul within…

for what I saw with the thousands of police in riot gear was that, the empty eyes of those trained to harm or to kill if needed there own family over an idea…..

the ONLY way I know of to stop a war before it happens is to REACH their HEARTS

and WE can do that with love capsulated however we can find ways to capsulate it and get it inside of the hearts of as many as possible

for to me the battle is in the heart and soul of every being
and the battle is not about money or power or countries
but about them remembering

love, how to love and that we are all one….

to kill one is to kill oneself

and so the only thing I know how to do now with all I feel and see

is to try to take as much love as I can and wrap it in bullets of sound picture films and get it

into as many hearts as possible

so when we are faced with that choice to love or hate
to kill or heal

we wont forget

who we really are and what really matters…..

and so with this

I send my love

to everyone

even the ones who have killed those i loved

Posted on: 12-9-2011
Posted in: Advocacy, Blog

Black Box – Kraddy – me playing a fighter :) 0

Only my friends could talk me into fighting and making out with a stranger till 7 am in the morning
I must love Kraddy or else I would have never gone this far ;)

xo
Jillian Ann

Posted on: 12-5-2011
Posted in: Journal, News

My Behind the Scenes from Occupy Los Angeles Raid – Nov 2011 0

Posted on: 12-1-2011
Posted in: Advocacy, News

find myself home 1

The rules , there were so many of them most of them did not make sense to me .  More then half of them went against my nature, and so then I was taught it was sin …

I found if I didn’t  behave , dress, eat, love, worship, work, do as they wanted the energy would shift I can always feel that shift and then the very ones you think love you who you feel safe with who you trust turn to you and say or act in such a way that send the message…

yours bad, wrong, evil, dark,  its not ok, right, your not good, your not doing what your suppossed to…

It could be about politics, sex, religion, my  clothing, what I eat for dinner, what I did or didn’t do and I remember everytime it happened part of me would sink to the floor…

….. but wait this means you don’t really love me and you never really did? or your love was based on conditions on rules you created without even telling me i had to follow them to be loved……..

Then I would retreat into my art, into the woods , into books paper music, I would try to find the other people like me… I wanted to run away to the land of misfits because the non misfits never seemed to want or love me anyways and so I wanted to escape that world which felt cold and limited a exsistence lived walking on egg shells…

I left it all, I left with nothing to find my family to find myself, to find a world in which people could love me for me, accept me as me and not just cut me off or judge me when I do something they view as wrong…  To me the only thing that matters in this world is love, and the only way to love someone is to love them regardless of if they lose it sometimes,if they fall , if they get high, if they fall apart, if they make a mistake, if they believe in god or worship the moon,  to love someone is to love them in all of there evolutions transformation and realizations anything is not love and yet is what is sold as love everyday to humanity through religion, through even spiritual dogmatic thought, through fear breeding seperation and division…

I roamed the earth and now and then I would met people who I connected to a soul level and I usually would try to scare them off right away by not hiding anything just to see if they lived what they preached, if you say your a warrior for love and I show you my shadow and you want to wipe me out of your life then you cant ever love me anyways we all have a shadow side, we all have our traumas and our wounds, we all have our breakdowns and if we cant love and fight for each other in the breakdown then well its not love, its like a drug and when its good your there and when its not a high your gone and that to me is not love its something else…..

I found some people here and there, who would watch the shadow dance and be there in the breakdown and then almost as if they cast some magic spell I never needed to go there again i knew if they could handle the dark they could handle the light. Some people become very judgemental the moment they are challenged at a soul level and all of the sudden i would be reduced to dark, bad, wrong, or evil, rather then them realizing typically the only thing that bothers us about someone else is something within ourselves…

Those I found I kept because they didn’t just abandon me or stop caring about love the moment a storm came, and the rest I try to love regardless of how sometimes hard it is to reach out over and over trying to bridge the gap between hearts and keep the love and support alive…..

Then I found myself in a land of misfits and orphans but in this world magic would happen, sometimes because when your a misfit or a orphan all  you have left is your dreams creativity and heart, and I realized those who came from that land often understood and were more sensitive to the importance of loving someone and supporting them even when you disagree, even when you had a fight, even when you are uncomfortable…. maybe its easier to love when you already lost it all, maybe its easier to forgive when you had to just in order to not kill yourself or others, maybe its easier to have compassion when you see how much pain and suffering comes from lack of compassion…..

I like the land of the misfits and orphans

somedays on holidays part of me feels a little loss, I try to communicate through the differences i have had and have with those i love, I write endless emails trying to bridge the gap, I have made efforts to communicate despite the different perspectives on politics, religion, sex, love, and when I reach out and can’t connect back at the heart with those I love who can’t love or see me, sometimes its challenging for me to just let go and on holidays sometimes I stare at the phone hopping this time

they will call, they will write, they will respond and we can live happily ever after able to love each other despite all of our differences and when silence is the only response there is a moment when my heart sometimes pushes against my body and I have to go walk in the starlight and remind myself were all one, were all connected and my only responsibility is to keep sending them love over the airwaves and NEVER let the hurt or pain the fear or loss turn into anger for then I can become like so many slicing off each others heads out of fear due to misunderstanding, miscommunication, or differences and its hard sometimes… it seems it would be easier not to care, its not easy to care and know all you can do is love them from afar even if they may see you as bad, unworthy, unlovable, forever ….but my other option is to let this heart grow cold and close off with everytime I love someone and then kill the love within and without as a response to the hate, anger, fear, or lack of love coming from them….

Our world so vast

so beautiful and yet under all the protest and the war

under all the confusion and insanity

is a truth I see everyday that stings inside of me as a constant reminder….

to try to love no matter what ruthless no matter how challenging ever ending even at the death of my pride and ego each time I reach out despite the response, each time I make a song despite the end of its reach, to do things because of love and for love not for things that will fade in the passing day….

I live in a world full of some people may not understand and yet I have found more support love and compassion within it then anywhere else in the world and I am thankful for all of them for they remind me there is still love that is endless dreams without a ceiling and the potential to do anything who support me through all of my ups and downs my bliss and breakdowns my dreams and when my world crashes down, I am thankful to have found a world in which if I can dream it I can create it and somewhere someone will be there to run with me through these fields and fantasies crossing back into reality….

On the way here someone came up to me ” your not from around here”  ” no I am not ” ” where are you from ” ” Los Angeles”  I looked at him I saw way more then I knew how to explain in 5 seconds…

” some places have more doors then others , leave while you still have the chance “

I walked off , sometimes if you stay in the same place afraid to move you never get to reach that other world where dreams and reality fuse in magical connections, There are times I have to leave to go to follow something so translucent its only a soft melody under the noise buried in my soul, but if i follow it I always find myself at home…

home is a place where I can be me

free

open

loving

connected

one

with those around me

without judgement without fear

this may be heaven… and I may already be here….

and I am thankful for this even though in moments its challenging and one day I hope everyone will be here for in the end all the petty things that tear us apart

are nothing but ashes and dust all that matters is the love we share everything else is fades into the wind… into the past… all these rules are nothing more then invisible lines keeping us seperated and torn apart from our own hearts….

its challenging to transform the things that hurt into a open heart over and over but its the only way not to let the empty petty things tear love away

and so here I continue to try to stay

 

 

Posted on: 11-26-2011
Posted in: Journal

close 1

close

Sometimes I wonder if the reason I have always been a loner of sorts
with my piano and cats often as the closest things to me is because
I never felt safe in my family or with my family as a kid and the concept
of being close brings up things I have worked through to the best of my
ability but still sometimes are challenging…

Holidays can be like that my friends became my family because my family
may as well not be there, due to religion and differences on perspectives
the capacity to accept me and love me are challenging and I have spent
most of my adult life realizing that I can’t change them, and I cant live for them
leaving me the one who has reached out so many times to never hear a response
from them or the response being less then warm to give up on reaching out
accept the fact that I am actually alone in this world and yet never alone…

But the holidays are always challenging for everyone leaves to go home
and I go to see my friends or spend it with my manager who is as close to
family as I have, and when things are stormy due to health, conflicts or other storms
with my friends or loved ones, I remind myself everything comes and goes, and sometimes I wonder if my non attachment is just the way I have learned to deal with loss , by never really expecting anyone or anything to be there tomorrow it makes it easier when there gone, or leave,  and yet if I stay here in the moment…

Life is beautiful it has its little moments of feelings of loss or sadness but overall its beautiful and I feel loved and accepted more then ever its just not from my blood lines, its not even from some of the people I was close to a decade ago, but I never feel alone or unloved as long as I stay here now and realize what comes and goes is perfect and the loss comes to teach me and love is always here within me and the reality is

That is all that is real the rest is just like a beautiful dream one which changes everyday I close my eyes and open them again, and I could hang on to the what ifs and only and count the trauma and losses the suffering and damage or look at the beautiful sky right in front of me and say wait everything is beautiful and ok even if it all ends here even if my lover my family my animals go on or leave or pass away and even if I die well then the dream just changes form and so

I’ll stay here and send love to all those who aren’t here for whatever reason, people come people go from family to lovers for reasons to many to count but right in front of me is the most magical life I think anyone could ever live and so I will let the ghost sleep and stay in this beautiful moment where when I look around I often question if I am still dreaming….

Posted on: 11-21-2011
Posted in: Journal

code 4

 

 

 

 

Do you see the program

Its inside your mind

Keeping you captive to a game

you never wanted to play

how do you create

your own game

first find the program

second rewrite it

with your own code

create your own program

code your own game

rewire un- wire

they taught me I couldn’t dream awake

why  would they teach such a thing

they taught me love was but a comoddity

a way to buy eternity

who are they

was the program written by those

who are dead for I only see

whats living in front of me

strip down the code

restructure the program

start in the  mind

with each thought

which brings forth a reality

in order to take back your mind

you have to know it is you

so much is programs

we didn’t chose

we are not machines

we have the capacity

to re-write our own code

re structure our own dna

each thought alters

each cell which alters

our entire being

what is within

is without

so as above

is below

write your own code

 

 

Posted on: 11-8-2011
Posted in: Advocacy, Blog, Poetry

smallest amount 6

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

moments blend bleed and become part of me

I never can undo such things I embrace them all

they all mean something and sometimes

everything changes all around me and I question

what it all means and then the silence

cuts deep and opens the heart wide

love to love what is love

so lost in this culture sex money drugs

all can enhance all can be divine

but without love none of them mean anything

with love even the smallest amounts amplify

over the airwaves and connect me back to the divine

I never want to forget how this feels

I never want to stop falling so hard

I never want to lose my capacity to be in awe

I never want to become jaded

so I leave my heart open wide

I’ll take the dark and the light

the tears and the fear

I’ll take the hope and the dreams

I’ll take the bullets and the wounds

I never want to forget how to love or step away from that

for while in love with myself with the world

with everyone else

everything counts

even in the smallest amounts

 

 

Posted on: 11-6-2011
Posted in: Blog, Poetry

bury the shadow 1

such a word
a wonder
a question
a shadow
its always been there
some people take drugs
some people stay high
I can’t I know what happens
if I take too much
its too easy too take just a little
more just enough to silence the noise
I was there
I dug myself out of the ashes
I faced all the trauma
every fear
its always there
ten steps before the stage
laughing at me
the cold voice that used
to be echoed by those
who said they loved me
those words like dirt
under my nails
I try to keep them clean
I know i cant paint over it
I cant hide it
its hip to be addicted
its hip to take vicodin
its even hip to shoot heroin
but to admit that sometimes
I stare at the stage
and have to walk the ten hardest
steps to get there
each of which involves
killing a part of me
a program I didn’t chose
words I don’t want to believe
rules I refuse to follow
but sometimes they feel like
they could choke me
like my father did
till I can’t breathe
I’ll be free
I am free
and I am never going back again
some say I am dark
but I have spent a life time trying
to get away
to bring light to
all the things that
almost killed me
that caused some to rape me
caused others to kill each other
that caused some to kill themselves
and if I must be seen as dark then so be it
I don’t want to commit suicide
I don’t want to see my loved ones do it either
I don’t want to die a slow death to addiction
I don’t want to lose my friends to it either
the sleep walking silence
the fear of admitting
somedays we just want out
alive or not

I wrote a song
talking about
this I was told to re write it
no one wants to hear it

no the truth is too real
so we bury it
along with all those
who’s hearts
just wanted to be heard

ten steps back to the stage
ten steps to stay present
and if you think i am dark
then chances are
your just seeing yourself
all the parts you try to bury
don’t bury the shadow
don’t bury your heart alive
you’ll never make it to the other side

Posted on: 10-29-2011
Posted in: Poetry
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